So I haven’t fronted for a while;

Usually, when someone comes back into fronting from not doing it for a while they seem to always lose themselves somewhere in the abyss. That didn’t happen to me this time though, I came back feeling as normal as ever, though there is a lot of anxiety.

It’s been nice to just hang out and not do much, we’ve hung out with our sister all day. I miss hanging out with Squall though, so I’ll probably front long enough to do that for a long while.

He’s a mess when I don’t front. He’s the only protector who can front on their own and not be overwhelmed, but he hasn’t fronted while I haven’t been. He’s very cute when he’s excited to hang out with me.

This is just a short post, no real meaning.

Thanks!

~Cloud

DID System Members, and Panic Attacks

Edit: this was supposed to be posted sometime this past week, but it never was. I guess that week was a down week, but this week should be a bit better! – Adam
Last night something new and strange happened to me. I was laying in my room, watching a nice calm youtube video and getting ready to go to sleep. I got up to do my nightly routine and I felt anxiety start to boil in my chest. My throat was tight, my heart was pounding, I was sweating and shaking.
But I didn’t feel anxious mentally.

My body was having a panic attack without me knowing why or what was causing the panic. It was such a strange sensation, to have your body be so full of fear but to have no idea why.

I did my nightly routine, climbed into bed and took an anti-anxiety PRN, and I went in search to see who in my system was anxious. No one was fessing up to it, none of the adults anyway. I went into my kid’s room to say goodnight and I found the source.

Sunny was in such a bad place, over what I still don’t know. I can only hypothesize it had something to do with sleeping. I grabbed him out of his room and walked into the living room where my partners were. I sat in a rocking chair/glider type of thing, Elijah came over and put a blanket over the two of us and I started to try and calm him down.

After a minute, Sharkie came out carrying Matty and the guys too them and we all slept in the living room like we were having a sleepover. Elijah came up with the great idea to build a pillow fort but wanted to wait until we could all (or most of us) sleep in it.

Adam has had to do this a few times with Chance, though Jonah will either stay in bed or stay around Roo. Chance and Adam are very close, and Chance depends on Adam a lot.

Sunny was close to me when he first came around, but after that I went on a ‘no fronting’ kick because fronting and I don’t get along. I’ve been out off and on for the last two days, and I’m thinking of letting Adam take back over.

My therapist gave me some advice with what she does with her in real life children, she said it might not work for us but to try it if we remember. Last night we didn’t remember so we didn’t try it but I’ll pass it onto you all as well in the hopes of maybe helping someone else.

She does this with her kids when they have nightmares. With her older kids age 4+ she will say something along the lines of “When I get to 50, you should feel better” then she taps either side of their body (say the right hand and left hand) one at a time and counts to 50. She says it’s supposed to make the nightmare feel better, but not go away completely. If they’re younger than 4 she’ll say that at the end of a rhyme or lullaby that they’ll feel better and then do the tapping.

I don’t know if this works or not, but most the stuff my therapist suggests works so I try and pass it on.

In the end though, maybe having sleepovers will be something we’ll have to do. A lot of the kiddos like to be held, and a lot of them feel scared all the time. Usually, Zack and Sharkie can help bring them to an adults attention, but it shouldn’t be all on them.

If we come up with anything that works super well and isn’t something obvious, then we’ll write about it here. I just wanted to make a post about how odd it was to have a panic attack while also not having one.

~Kenny

Daily Journal and Therapy

Sora and Roo haven’t fronted yet today, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to just to talk about our day. Besides, I fronted for a long bit of it, and I did therapy today which is what would have been talked about anyway.

So no question, I want to save them for Sora since he’s the one they’re mostly there for.

Therapy today was rough. Our therapist listened to me talk about the nonsense that had happened during the last week, but I think she had caught on to my reluctance to try and do any real memory/emdr work. I’ve (speaking has the entire system now) have been really super nervous about it. We’ve already had stuff coming up, and our mom is so into herself that we know it would be a hard day when we started it.

Has I started running out of things to say (15 minutes into our session) she asked if she could suggest something. She basically went into telling me (just me, Lolly, now). I said sure because I’m pretty open. She started telling me about how the EMDR would work and saying she thinks it would be a good time to start working on some of it. She said we’d only do it in super small chunks. I was okay with that but my mind kind of blanked on what my trauma had been.

Kenny could tell you all day long what his was, so couldn’t Adam. Roo could probably dig something up with ease. Cloud could too, but Cloud and I kind of blur so I was thinking that the trauma I was remembering what just what I had overheard from Cloud.

But the memory and feelings and everything were enough that I felt like I could work on that trauma.

She had me tell her a visual, the feeling, and a phrase I associated it with. She said if I didn’t have all that it was fine, but I did. She had me hold onto one of those things in my mind and I watched her fingers go from left to right really quickly for a couple of seconds. We did that three more times and it helped!

She also helped me put that memory into a little space where I wouldn’t bring it up until our next session. We did some more eye movements and then my session was over.

I thought it worked out really well. I’m still super nervous about doing it, but I think now is the right time.

Thats it for today all.

Thanks!

~ Lolly

Trying Bullet Journaling

Since we’re too much of a perfectionist with things we do by hand and since we’re always looking for a way to journal on our phone that actually keeps our attention, we thought bullet journaling wouldn’t be right for us. We saw a Tumblr post (that Sora has reblogged here [ I will warn you the post is small text and image heavy] ) that showed how this person set up a bullet journal inspired way of journaling on their computer using Onenote.

We thought, hey we could do this! We only usually have our phone the computer we have access to is our mothers and we wouldn’t really want our private journals there. The main feature we needed for the journaling to work (tables) didn’t work on the IOS app. We were pretty bummed.

We thought that maybe we could use Google Docs, so we downloaded it and tried it. It works! Setting it up was a little bit of a pain, so we borrowed our mom’s computer to finish setting the template up.

Below are the screen shots of what we came up with.

 

BJ 1
This shows our ‘Who Fronts When’ table. It lists our main fronters, the days of the week, and then a little key for what the check marks mean. We switch a lot so that’s why we have the key there.

 

 

BJ 2
This just shows the days of the week listed out (and an example of our day). I guess this is where the bullet journal part comes in. It just lists the major parts of our day.
BJ 3
This is an example of a habit tracker. The “x” means we didn’t and the check mark means we did it. Also on this page is a blogging and internet stuff section (or the start of it) here is listed ideas.
bj 4
This shows the rest of the “blogging & internet” section where we have a table for whether or not we’ve posted. Then, this is just something I added because I thought it would be fun, a question of the week!
bj 5
Here is where we can talk to one another/the mute guys, or list some funny/sad/etc stuff that happens, thoughts, everything! 

 

It basically just gives us the guide we like but can’t find with any journaling app, and also gives us a “perfect” looking way to journal. We’ve added quotes and some nice pictures too, which just makes it nicer.

Of course, we can always add to it, or take away. That’s the best part, we have a guide but it’s easy to change if we need to.

EDIT:

After a day of using my the journal thing, I feel like it would be a good idea to share my template. It’s public, all my names and what not have been erased. I’m not 100% sure you can download it (more like 75% sure) but I know you can edit it. I think you can save a copy, so that way it becomes a document on your google docs account that way its more private but I’m not 100% on that either.

Here is the link to the template! It’s on google drive/google docs.

Feel free to tell me how it works out for you, or if it works at all.

Thanks everyone!

~ Lolly

Daily Journal With Lolly

Sora is having a rough day, and Roo is, in turn, trying to give him time off from trying to get used to having DID. Its been rough for him honestly, I don’t know why some of us have an easier time. Like when Roo came back it was hard for him too, Zack had a rough time, Kyu did fine and so haven’t I.

I don’t know man.

Today we slept until I think like 3pm? We went to sleep last night at like 10pm so its pretty crazy.

We’ve been really out of it too, its been a rough day kind of.

Sorry this is short, I have no idea what to write about…

~Lolly

Sora & Roo’s Daily Journal

[6/15/17]

Today was a very long day, yeah I know its only like 6 pm, and yeah I probably woke up at 11 am but we did lots of stuff. We traveled down to our “local” Target to let my sister pick something out for her birthday. We were kind of in a bad mood for the entire time, it’s hot and our mom was kind of bugging us. Usually, after we have days like this we feel really bad for being grumpy towards our mom. Guilt is a killer.

Clarence fronted for a while (while we grocery shopped). Lolly fronted earlier this morning (and last night). Adam fronted for a little while today too. Adam is seeming to have a bit of a problem

Adam is seeming to have a bit of a problem lately. We don’t know if it’s caused by the latest “new” music we’re listening too. It’s a band we’ve listened to since high school, but we found it through a fanfiction. The band has been such a big part of his personality, not necessarily the lyrics but the lead singers voice and stage presence. Their new album has some more narcissistic sounding lyrics which always bugs him, and their beats remind him of our Ex who abused Adam the most out of all of us.

Anyway, down to the question of the day for Sora and I 🙂

Whats in your bag AKA if you had a bag, what would you put in it?

Sora: I like the idea of carrying a bag. Maybe a cute printed one that is both big enough to hold lots of stuff, but small enough to be able to get stuff out of it. I would like a bag that is cloth. I would probably have lots of pens and pencils. An iPad PRO with keyboard and the fancy pen (if I had one). That or a small laptop type of thing. I would like to have my cell phone, some earbuds, a charger and charger port (wall and car). A notebook. A real book. My water bottle. Some candy or munchies. A hat and extra shirt maybe if there was room. I can imagine myself going to coffee shops and drawing. I would also like to go to public parks.

That’s what I would like in my bag if I had one.

Roo: I can list what we usually have in our bag when we carry one. Cell, earbuds, charger cord (sometimes the wall block too if we’re going far), a small notebook, our multi-color pen, a black ink pen, our wallet, a stim toy or stuffed animal, and an extra hair tie.

If I could fill my bag with whatever (and have a nice new bag to fill). I would want a nice leather one that would be on the bigger side. I’d want a camera/DSLR (if I had one), my basic things I already carry, a small laptop/tablet with a keyboard, some food, my water bottle, a sweatshirt. That’s probably it though.

Some others might want to join us in answering questions, but no promises!

I always want to say that I’m going to start posting poetry (probably) on my poetry blog roosinclairpoetry.wordpress.com so give that a follow if you haven’t and you like poetry!

Thanks all for reading!!

~ Roo & Sora

 

Sora & Roo’s Daily Journal

[For 6/14/17]

In an effort to find ways for Sora to get to know himself, and for us to find constructive ways of hanging out I asked him if he wanted to do some kind of (mostly) everyday blog post where we answer journal prompts or something similar. I would like them to also include a description of our day just to document our life since we don’t remember crap! I also think it would be cool to follow the journey of a system mate coming to terms with The Real World™.

Prompt: Ten things you love about summer:

Sora: I don’t remember a lot of summers. But if I had to pick some things I love about it I would have to go with the following. I love that you can sit outside under the warm sunshine and hang out with a dog. I love that the grass is so green. I love swimming. I love cold showers which I’m only able to take in the summer. I love the blue sky and clouds. Summer rain storms. Ice cream shops. Swinging. Shorts and tee shirts.

But I think I’m stealing them from other people.

Roo: My favorite things about summer are mostly things I’ve experienced in the last year and a half that I’ve been back from being dormant & able to be myself! Here is my list:

  • S’mores Ice Cream: I get this at this really great ice cream place down by Home Depot. Also, Friendly’s came out with a limited edition s’mores flavor last year and I was super excited to see it back on the shelves. They are both different, and equally great.
  • The car window being down. Last year we had a different car, and it didn’t have A/C until about June. That car was a gas hog so we really didn’t run the A/C unless we were parked some where. Our current car doesn’t have A/C and there is no end in site for when we may get it (its a bigger problem than in our old car) BUT having the window down is so nice in the summer anyway.
  • Being warm! I hate being cold (though I love sweatshirts) and even though the heat is killer I love being warm.
  • My sister being home. We go on lots of adventures! Even though her summer program has longer days that regular school.
  • The photo opportunities. Which are good in winter too, but summer has such good light!
  • Seeing animals out. Wild or otherwise. So many birds!
  • Longer days. I’m so afraid of the dark but it doesn’t get dark until 9pm so I’m good!
  • Sandles. Need I say more?
  • Tourist in my town. They’re very rich and it’s always funny to pick on them to make myself feel better that even though I’m broke at least I’m not wearing a sweater tied around my neck.
  • The clear skies at night!

That’s all for now! Thanks for reading!

~ Roo & Sora

Expressing Emotions

Since we were young we’ve always had a hard time of expressing emotions. This stems from many things, but it makes it hard for us to deal with life’s general happenings. Our mother has always been the emotional one, all of our emotions weren’t has important has hers were. Our abuser also played a part in our lack of emotions, but that’s a story for another day.

We hold them all in until we just burst with a big flash of anger. Then we calm back down. Our therapist wants us to work on it, not by breaking down the wall but by maybe putting a one-way mirror in the wall so that we can see in and our emotions can’t come out. She want’s us to wait though and take it slowly. She’s a very good therapist.

In the meantime, we try and find ways to express ourselves. Writing this blog and tweeting on Twitter has helped. Roo thinks poetry would help a lot too, but we need to put more focus into it. Sometimes just petting the family dog helps too.

We also try and make art that is just patterns made out of shapes and lines. We haven’t finished a full piece yet, but it’s nice to just sit and doodle. Patterns help us a lot. It can be calming to just have something have the right number of circles, triangles, and squares in an area.

We like coloring too, but it’s something the kids like more. We recently bought a dinosaur coloring book because dinos are the kid’s current interest. Art for us can be very healing, even looking at it.

~Adam

 

Sleep and Kids.

We’ve slept for most the weekend, even though our insomnia gave us a run for it on Friday night. We’ve been spending a bit more time hanging out with the kids in headworld to try and make them feel a bit better. Even now though we’re yawning though we slept all day long.

Spending time with the kiddos has been nice though. It’s hard because sometimes Jonah cries and just wants to cuddle with Roo, and Chance always wants me to hold him and is always wanting to spend time with me. I like that Chance wants to be around me all the time, he’s so sweet and is a breath of fresh air.

It’s nice having a kids view on things sometimes, though sometimes it can be hard. They’re so sweet but easily scared. We feel bad if we disappoint them, but they bring us all so much joy. We really have no idea how to handle internal kids, but our therapist says we do a good job. That’s always a relief.

This isn’t a very long post, sorry.

The kiddos have wanted to write some posts, and I think I may let them do that.

~Adam

Spending Time Together

Last night I kind of had a magical experience. It’s weird when your partners and you share a body, there isn’t a lot of moments to spend with one another. It’s harder for us to focus on each other when we know any moment we might get called away to do something.

It’s weird when your partners and you share a body, there isn’t a lot of moments to spend with one another. It’s harder for us to focus on each other when we know any moment we might get called away to do something.

We spend most of our time together either in the car (while not driving of course) or right before bed. Before we go to sleep is when we get the most time to spend with one another.

Then we come with the problem of figuring out what to do with each other. It can get kind of boring just sitting around with nothing to talk about.

Kenny and Renau kind of had this little breakthrough, but it was Kenny who started it. Back before we knew we were a system, we would tell stories using the characters we used to identify has. They would play out in our mind and I guess this is how we learned about spending time with each other.

Now that we know we’re parts in a system, we feel like it would be weird to tell stories with each other, but we’ve found something that works for now. Putting ourselves into real life situations that we been through and telling a story about what would happen if we had been there in our own bodies.

It’s kind of fun in a way! We have something to talk about and something that we can do and it gives us time to spend together.

How do you all spend time with one another?

~ Roo