I am one of the ‘newbies’. I am not new at all, I have been around in this system since we were 10. I can pin point the trauma I was made to take. I remember it fully.
I control myself, my emotions, and my actions very well. Everything I do is neat. My writing, my speaking, my way of presenting myself to the world. I do not appear to have emotions, though I do. They may not always be strong and noticeable, but they’re there.
I especially have emotions for my partner. He is a gentle giant, and I could never hurt him. I would never hurt him- nor would I let anyone hurt him. He is my soul. The thing that keeps me grounded to this world and myself.
When I came back into this system in mid to late 2016, I was surprised to learn that we were a system. That this wasn’t all just pretend. I wasn’t an imaginary friend in Kenny’s head. I am a real being, and I can have some say in my life.
I came back with my angel in tow. We hid for many days, him not talking- and me being too detached to try and connect with anyone. Kenny eventually pulled me in, and I found that fronting comes as naturally to me as eating or breathing.
I was getting to spend time with my love. But something was different. First, he doesn’t speak. He barely makes any sounds. He at first seemed distant, but has warmed up to me.
The other night, whatever has been on his mind came to a head. Try as I might I couldn’t think of what to do. This was not his usual MO. I remember Kenny doing this, and at one time Adam, but never him. I’ve never been more scared.
Thankfully, after our weekly meeting (something I’m sure someone will make a post about), I was able to speak with Kenny and Roo about what I should be doing. They had Elijah help fix him up, and the three of them started talking.
After many minutes of talking, with out my love listening, I come to find out that I am his protector, not the other way round. This surprised everyone who knows. My love is a big man, tall and muscular. I am average height and thin.
Protectors in this system don’t really fit into the stereotypical ‘protector’ box. They are more caretakers, but we feel that the word protector describes the role better. I guess I fit this role.
I am scared to find what this may mean for me and my love. I hope I can be there for him emotionally and be able to help him any way I can.
–the cat and the shark