When we think of a ‘bad’ alter, there are two alters who come to our mind first. The first being Clarence, who is currently on his redemption arch. The next one, who only comes to mind because he thinks he’s bad, is Elijah.
A little background on him; he is one of the earliest splits. It’s heavily debated whether or not he or Adam is the first alter to come along (our original is Kenny). Kenny and Elijah certainly share more stable memories together, but Adam and Kenny also share memories from the same time. To be fair, the difference between their split dates could be very little not even a year. Our timeline for memories is very wonky and we can’t ask anyone about when things happened because the only person we could who hate to know the stuff we remember.
I got a little sidetracked there.
Elijah is a protector, and he used to be the main protector for a long time. He only stoped when his anger issues from trauma became too much for him to deal with. He has taken nearly every trauma from our early years, or was at least there keeping Kenny in head world while things happened.
When we finally realized that we were being abused and when our main abusers started stalking us(age 16), Elijah kind of went into overdrive with his protecting. This is when we started having black outs, and started being terrified of what was going on with us mentally. We fought with our mother all the time, because we were so angry. Simple things would bring Elijah out and he would come out fighting. We were a mess.
We spent our entire year of being 18 in and out of psych units all around our state. We visited all but one in our state, and went to one in the next state over. Starting from four or five days after our 18th birthday (January) and ending just before Christmas. The next year we went to a group home and then got diagnosed with D.I.D and have been working on staying together ever since.
While Elijah still has his moments of being too worked up to function, he has calmed down a ton since we left the group home.
But now comes the guilt.
He feels guilty for everything, stuff he hasn’t done, stuff he was doing to help, stuff he did when angry. When we got diagnosed and started looking up what D.I.D was, we were bombarded with things that said everyone had a ‘killer personality’ talking to our therapist/anyone who would listen at the group home the rest of us who were talking at the time just brushed it off.
Elijah didn’t. He feels as if he has only done bad in his life. He will push us alters away to ‘save us’. As of late he’s gotten a lot better about not being so caught up in what he’s done in the past. He’s chilled out a lot, and knows his limitations around fronting.
I really can’t remember what the main point I was trying to make with these posts were. Maybe just to say that words hurt.
When we first told our mom about having D.I.D she asked if I was going to integrate that scary one who fights. I told her no, and that was the end of that. Elijah holds a lot of anger towards our mother for many things. Mostly letting the trauma happen because she was too wrapped up in her our stuff to even see it.
That’s all for now. Thanks for reading!