Trigger warning: CSA
My head has been in a dark place lately. All of the older alters, meaning Elijah, Adam, and myself have been dragged down by the weight of our trauma. Elijah and myself especially. It’s gotten to the point where even Elijah and I’s partner Renau has been feeling the blues. I don’t really know where to even start with this, though I suppose I was able to today with our therapist. I’m very happy to have her, she’s very helpful.
Our mother and Elijah have always been on bad terms, Elijah feels that she was too selfish to realize that I was being sexually abused from a very young age- in her house, with her there. When we told her our of first initial remembering of being abused in that way (a time when we were 11 and she and my abuser has since left each other) she flipped. She’s selfishly making it all about her, and she always has. She tells me it’s too hard for her to look at me, she makes it seem like I’m going in and out of hospitals and being suicidal all the time. I’m not, I’m past that. I’m doing very well in my and every one around me’s opinion.
We are starting to piece together memories that show signs of us being sexually abused from as young as 3. Even putting that into words makes me sick. My mother doesn’t know we are remembering these things, and since we started putting the pieces together we’ve also started remembering things. As a child, once my mom came back to our abuser (age 3) we would wet our clothes with out any meaning to- this ended at age 8 I believe. We wet the bed regularly until we were 16. She doesn’t know it lasted that long because we just ended up not telling her and doing our our laundry. We had fantasies of acts before even knowing what that was, and we watched porn from the second we found out about it. In front of people too. We would touch ourselves.
I don’t understand how no one saw what was going on. Why no one helped us. Not only from the sexual abuse, I was neglected terribly. I didn’t have a toilet or shower for most my childhood, I was constantly away from school. Always sick from living with a hoarder. I came in covered in fleas from the animals.
Putting this into words is helping a bit.
I just… I’m not even mad, I just feel abandoned by every one I know or have known. My alters are the only ones who have tried to save me. I love my new internet friends and the few people I met in the group home. I love my sister. Everyone else I have no emotion towards, I’m just so numb to this.
A few times people tried to stop, but they couldn’t. No one would help them. I thank the nurse and teacher who came to my mom and asked if she needed help. They noticed something was wrong but couldn’t change it.
I’m sorry for such a depressing post.
–Kenny & Elijah