I’m Adam. I am what we call the first split. So it goes Kenny, than me, Elijah and the rest are unknown. I have always had a hard time understanding who I am. I took the brunt of the emotional abuse, and was made to be very attached to our main abuser. I was made to please him… saying that helps a bit.
So much is going on right now, I’m not going to get a chance to talk a a therapy session for at least two sessions of nothing else big happens. I’m trying to write out what I’m going though in the hopes I can help myself a bit.
I feel like I have no personality, nothing is mine. I don’t have any specific likes or dislikes, I do what other people want. I put my emotions aside to take on others in the hope of helping them. I’ve given up my fronting time so others can front and enjoy doing what they do, since the only thing I do is eat… it’s an abuse thing.
I’m trying to find myself but it’s hard you know? Every other system memeber points out people who act like me and look like me, but I can seem to hold onto what I feel like is mine.
We tried dating at one point, a person from a totally different time zone in a different country. Far away is good for us.
They abused me too. They used my desire to please people to do the same things our main abuser did, aka sex. They manipulated me into not knowing who I was, I became something they wanted. They abused us all in different ways, but with me they really played on my past abuse.
I’m like a piece of clay that gets molded by everyone else. I want to mold myself just once, then bake myself solid. I don’t want to be everyone’s toy.
My closest friend that isn’t Kenny helps me with this sometimes. Kyu is very firm in who he is, even if he is three parts integrated into one person. He helped me (and the rest of my system) leave the ex, and is basically all of our willpower.
I feel like I need to take personality quizzes or something just to try and figure out who I am, but that’s not a good way to discover yourself.
It’s a journey, I just want to get time to take it. I don’t want to fade because I’m too weak to stand on my own.