Kind of an odd title. This is going to be about ‘fandom’ stuff and how it has effected us. This can give you a little more insight into how we got into fandom and how it has hindered our healing. I will warn you that the beginning is triggering!
Last Saturday we were out with our mom grocery shopping. Saturday is the one day our sister is at her fathers for the entire day so my mom and I use that day to relax and have a minimal stress kind of day.
We had been sitting in a Walmart parking lot for about 45 minutes when our mom wanted us to go inside so she could call her ‘friend’. Reluctantly we went inside to sit and find something to do. One thing we do is look at posters, because every month we think we’ll buy one but we never do.
They had a poster that was from 2006 when the game a large chunk of us took our identity from. Something had happened earlier that day, but I can’t remember it now, so we were already in a bad mood. I say in the medium post I linked above that we are generally okay with seeing pictures, but apparently we are not anymore. I’ll explain more down below.
We were pretty affected all that night (something else also happened which took the ‘bad’ spot). It’s put us in a pretty foul mood that we haven’t been able to pin point. Last night I kind of figured it out that I’m having problems with seeing the poster, and I’m also holding the problems that other people may be having.
I brought this up with our therapist today, because it felt like something I should talk about to try and get off my chest. I kind of rambled along nervously because I had never really tried to explain this to someone. The only other time is in the post I link above.
Here’s what my therapist and I brainstormed.
- Finding out that we are actually real, and allowed to have our own feelings/thoughts/likes/dislikes/etc has been hard for us. Fandom allowed us to just be in a box where we were only that character and nothing else.
- Finding out that we are born of trauma and that most of us have gone through our own trauma is in a way retraumatizing. Having to accept that we’ve come here from pain isn’t fun.
- Feeling like we’ve lost our sense of self and having to have something other than ‘the box’ we used to fit in. It’s hard finding out who you are, it takes time. We don’t have a lot of time to do that, and we don’t even know we’re to start.
- Not wanting to go back into ‘the box’ vs. wanting to stay in the box. Once we come out of ‘the box’ and accept that it’s scary the idea of being put back into ‘the box’ even if we do it ourselves. Some of us just want to stay in ‘the box’ because it’s all we’ve known.
Working on finding yourself when we already have so much going on seems impossible. The people who still need to work on this are afraid to take any time away from us regular fronters, and they don’t know what to do anyway.
All we can do is try to communicate with one another in an attempt to move forward.
Have a nice night all.