Before kid parts ever started to be around in this system, we had never given the idea of them any thought. With Zack finally allowing himself to be something other a dog, and finally fitting himself into the role has the first kid, it kind of changed the way we thought of things. Some of us started age sliding, though now I think it was just kid parts blurring with us to try and get some attention since it has stopped happening. Then kids just started showing up on our doorstep basically. I think the kids have all finally come out of the woodwork, though who really knows at this point.
The kids and the “newbies” are going through the same kind of thing right now, trying to find themselves and learn about who they are. There are only a few who are going through the change right now. By change, I mean getting used to the idea of this all being real and us being a system, fronting and the idea of spending time doing things they like, sharing time with others, getting to know everyone, and building up their own personality. Currently, Lolly, Zack, and Sora are going trough this. Lolly seems to be the furthest along, but there are always unexpected bumps in the road.
Zack is the first kiddo we’ve had that’s going through this. We don’t know a lot about kid parts and how to make their lives happy. We try and do things like coloring, or watching TV, we buy toys and kids books. It seemed to be working fine until the other night.
It was Thursday, we were running into Walmart to buy some stuff for our mom. We had just gotten our disability check and we usually give ourselves $10 – $15 to spend on something that isn’t food, phone card, laundry, meds, or rent. Our budget is tighter this month because last month we said we’d give our mom $50 more for rent for driving us to (almost) Canada to get our bird. No big deal, that $50 usually just loosens our food budget and gives us a couple more bucks to spend on extras.
I (Roo) took us over to toys because I wanted the kiddos to try and pick something out. We found some dinosaur figures we really liked (the Schleich ones), even though they only had two in stock. One was $13 and I say they could get it if they wanted. Zack started to get really angry and said he didn’t deserve any toys. Sharkie and Chance who were the other two kiddos out kind of just followed along and said they didn’t want anything.
We left and went to the grocery store. They have this box of balls that are sometimes in fun colors, and I promised I would let the kiddos pick out something to eat. Chance and Sharkie picked out Lucky Charms, but Zack still seemed to be in a pretty bad mood about everything. I asked him if he wanted to pick out a ball. He kind of seemed in awe that I was asking him if he wanted one. He picked out a blue one and it seemed like that was that.
Today (Saturday) we went to Target with our mom. We looked in the toy section again, and Zack got unbelievably angry. He was angry throughout the entire store and I had to go out to the car early. We went into Micheals after, and they have the Safari LTD toys there. I tried to get the kids to pick one out, only Zack and Sharkie were out at the time. We were having a hard time deciding and Zack kept getting angrier and angrier. He started to get kind of mean about stuff, so I eventually just left. He was so angry that he was crying and Squall picked him up and carried him into the decompressing room in our hang out apartment in headworld.
On the car ride home, Lolly and I started to talk about him. Lolly felt responsible in some way for Zack acting out since they seem like buddies. Lolly went in to talk to Zack about everything in the hopes of getting him to calm down and think.
It came out that Zack has been feeling bad because he couldn’t protect any of the kids from getting hurt. Chance and Zack’s close friend Jordan have some impairments from trauma. One of the newer toddlers also has some internal showings of trauma. Zack feels responsible for them and felt like he didn’t deserve toys or to even pick them out. The other kids just kind of went along with it (though they may have their own deeper reasons for it).
It was pretty obvious that he is suffering from what we call “protectors guilt”, where a protector feels like they couldnt protect anyone right, or that they’re the cause of it. Almost every one of our protective alters feels this way or has at some point. Squall bardged in on them and called a meeting for the other protectors to come in and talk to Zack. It seemed to help him a lot.
I’m hoping if anything else happens that we can have the oppertunity to work through it with our T. Though she will probably say what we’ve been doing is all that we need to do because she says everything we do is stuff she’d suggest. Then she’d ask if we wanted to let a drop of it go, or if we wanted to hold the buzzies to work through it.
(side note I realize we haven’t done ‘song of the day’ for a few days, we’ve been really tired and have been staying up with our sister too late to write them)