Expressing Emotions

Since we were young we’ve always had a hard time of expressing emotions. This stems from many things, but it makes it hard for us to deal with life’s general happenings. Our mother has always been the emotional one, all of our emotions weren’t has important has hers were. Our abuser also played a part in our lack of emotions, but that’s a story for another day.

We hold them all in until we just burst with a big flash of anger. Then we calm back down. Our therapist wants us to work on it, not by breaking down the wall but by maybe putting a one-way mirror in the wall so that we can see in and our emotions can’t come out. She want’s us to wait though and take it slowly. She’s a very good therapist.

In the meantime, we try and find ways to express ourselves. Writing this blog and tweeting on Twitter has helped. Roo thinks poetry would help a lot too, but we need to put more focus into it. Sometimes just petting the family dog helps too.

We also try and make art that is just patterns made out of shapes and lines. We haven’t finished a full piece yet, but it’s nice to just sit and doodle. Patterns help us a lot. It can be calming to just have something have the right number of circles, triangles, and squares in an area.

We like coloring too, but it’s something the kids like more. We recently bought a dinosaur coloring book because dinos are the kid’s current interest. Art for us can be very healing, even looking at it.



Sleep and Kids.

We’ve slept for most the weekend, even though our insomnia gave us a run for it on Friday night. We’ve been spending a bit more time hanging out with the kids in headworld to try and make them feel a bit better. Even now though we’re yawning though we slept all day long.

Spending time with the kiddos has been nice though. It’s hard because sometimes Jonah cries and just wants to cuddle with Roo, and Chance always wants me to hold him and is always wanting to spend time with me. I like that Chance wants to be around me all the time, he’s so sweet and is a breath of fresh air.

It’s nice having a kids view on things sometimes, though sometimes it can be hard. They’re so sweet but easily scared. We feel bad if we disappoint them, but they bring us all so much joy. We really have no idea how to handle internal kids, but our therapist says we do a good job. That’s always a relief.

This isn’t a very long post, sorry.

The kiddos have wanted to write some posts, and I think I may let them do that.


Exciting stuff!

So I got a bird nearly a week and a half ago. I figured I’d make a post about the journey to get him, and something else exciting. This post will also lead into another that is more trauma based, but I feel like that should be separate. 

My little white cheeked cockatiel is named Reid, after the guy from criminal minds. I don’t know how old he is, all I know is that he came from a probably abusive situation and one where he was caged with 4 other birds. 

He’s shy as heck, but seems to be coming around to me slowly. He’s very sweet, some what loud which bothers me a bit but I knew what I was getting into, he’s charming and cute. 

It was a long day the drive to get him. We picked up my sister after school, and headed up to the Canadian border. We stoped along the way to do some shopping because we were going to be early. We got IHOP, which was yummy.

The restaurant was empty, and my mom had to give my little sister her medicine then too. We looked pretty funny coming in with a plate with frosting and a pill crusher! 

We went into the bookstore after, but only for just a second. My sister picked out a book that was Bubble Guppies. 

We still had like an hours drive up to where we were supposed to meet them. I was super anxious, and managed to keep myself somewhat under control.

We get to this house in the middle of nowhere! All there is is farms and other houses. No cell service, nothing. No one is answering the door, no one is around. There are birds in the house but no people! 

I tried calling them with what little service I had and they said they forgot. I was kind of pissed to say the least. They wouldn’t be back for 45 minutes. 

My sister had an accident and so we went to change her but we couldn’t even find a gas station. 

We changed her and made it back to this house. They show up a few minutes later making excuses. I’m still kind of dumbfounded. 

I go into their house, they show me the birds, I pick one out and in five minutes I back in my car driving back home. It was really weird how quick it all went. 

It took up three hours to get home, it was thundering and lightning out, my mom had to drive slow. I make it home and I still have to clean the cage they gave me. 

I’m so tried at this point, irritated because my mom has been bitchy all day. Worn out! I clean his cage, get him inside and go to bed.

Something else good happened in these past weeks too! 

My mom adopted a muppet! (Joking it’s a dog) 

Her name is Greta, she’s about 8 years old. She’s just the sweetest thing on the planet! She came home on the Saturday after I adopted Reid. We went into the humane society, and like 20 minutes later we had Greta in our car. 

I was surprised had how quick that adoption went too. Greta is a great match for our family! She’s sweet and gentle. 

So far Greta and my bird are on good terms and don’t upset each other. 

I love them both! 

My next post will be more mental health/trauma related. 

I also want to link an article I wrote about how Fandom hindered my healing, it’s on medium though I may link it in a post unmake about fandom and healing kind of stuff.

Thanks for reading!

– Adam

Who is Adam?

I’m Adam. I am what we call the first split. So it goes Kenny, than me, Elijah and the rest are unknown. I have always had a hard time understanding who I am. I took the brunt of the emotional abuse, and was made to be very attached to our main abuser. I was made to please him… saying that helps a bit. 

So much is going on right now, I’m not going to get a chance to talk a a therapy session for at least two sessions of nothing else big happens. I’m trying to write out what I’m going though in the hopes I can help myself a bit.

I feel like I have no personality, nothing is mine. I don’t have any specific likes or dislikes, I do what other people want. I put my emotions aside to take on others in the hope of helping them. I’ve given up my fronting time so others can front and enjoy doing what they do, since the only thing I do is eat… it’s an abuse thing. 

I’m trying to find myself but it’s hard you know? Every other system memeber points out people who act like me and look like me, but I can seem to hold onto what I feel like is mine. 

We tried dating at one point, a person from a totally different time zone in a different country. Far away is good for us. 

They abused me too. They used my desire to please people to do the same things our main abuser did, aka sex. They manipulated me into not knowing who I was, I became something they wanted. They abused us all in different ways, but with me they really played on my past abuse.

I’m like a piece of clay that gets molded by everyone else. I want to mold myself just once, then bake myself solid. I don’t want to be everyone’s toy. 

My closest friend that isn’t Kenny helps me with this sometimes. Kyu is very firm in who he is, even if he is three parts integrated into one person. He helped me (and the rest of my system) leave the ex, and is basically all of our willpower. 

I feel like I need to take personality quizzes or something just to try and figure out who I am, but that’s not a good way to discover yourself. 

It’s a journey, I just want to get time to take it. I don’t want to fade because I’m too weak to stand on my own.


Romance Between System Mates

This may be quite a long post, but I feel like there is many points that need to be made, and I want to talk in depth about all of them. These are the main points I will hit on with this post, but I will most likely make more post about this subject in the future. 

  • History of our relationships.
  • How they work for us.
  • Why they aren’t for every system.
  • Why they are totally okay if you have them, and why it’s totally okay if you don’t. 

I hope people won’t judge us too hard for this, we haven’t really told anyone about this ever. It’s just my experience, and my life- it doesn’t have to change yours or how you view things.

So first things first; 

How this all started-

It has always been a thing in our system for us to be in romantic relationships with each other. Even with others we aren’t romantic with we are all generally pretty darn close with each other. 

Before we were ever diagnosed, back when we thought this was all a figment of our imagination and that it happened to every creative person, we believed that we were characters that Kenny (then our birth name) created. Of course, since every book or story we read was some sort of romance story, we kind of paired off into couples as Kenny would write us in his stories. When we would spend time together, it would be labeled as Kenny brainstorming story ideas- but in reality it was us getting to know one another and us being romantic with each other. 

The bonds have all remained strong, though some things have changed since we got diagnosed. 

When we did get diagnosed, we were all so close to one another that it both made it hard to handle and easy to handle at the same time. Easy because, hey we didn’t need to learn to talk to one another and we all basically got along. It was hard though because it left us feeling like our feelings for each other were just empty trauma feelings that weren’t really there. Those feelings weren’t helped by the therapist who we were working with at the group home. She was used to working with people with Schizophrenia, and kind of made us feel like we were just parts to a broken mirror and not our own mirrors.

Now, I know that works for most systems, feeling as if they are all part of a bigger whole. It’s never worked for us, we’re too individual, too strong of people, we feel so different from one another. So inside our mind we hold a different belief as to why we are here in this body- though it still is 100% trauma related. I may share that theory if someone is interested.

Anyway, back to where I was. We eventually got past this fear that everything was just a hollow meaningless nothing caused by trauma. It was helped in part by a very nice person on YouTube, whose videos have helped us tremendously through out the years. She made a video that helped us feel not so alone in our way of thinking, and helped us feel  validated.

A week after the group home’s psychiatrist formally diagnosed us with DID, Ren practically begged Kenny to try a relationship with him. It was kind of pathetic, but he’s my twin so I’ll give him a pass. That marked the start of us accepting us as people, and us trying really hard not to brush off our feelings.

During Valentine’s Day, since my older partner (Roo) wasn’t around when we got diagnosed, I decided to try and ask a protector I had become close with to see if he would like to try what Kenny and Ren had started. Joji of course said yes, and that was that. When Roo finally did come back in early 2016 (maybe even 2015 Christmas time) we kind of awkwardly talked to each other and also eventually decided to continue where we had started. The feelings were still there, and now he and Joji may even be closer with each other than they are with me (maybe). 

How our relationships work-

I’m going to break this down into subsections, protector&protectee, and, how do you date someone in your body.

Protector and Protectee-

After spending the last two years doing nothing but helping with our sister and messing about in head world, we have come to learn a lot about how our system works. There is three types of people in our system (they aren’t 100% accurate for every one), the protector, the inbetweeners, and the protectee. This is all just a good way to work out how our system makes sense. 

A protector is generally a fairly masculine male, tall and muscular, intimidating and grumpy. They are all, for the most part, huge softies. Like with Joji, he looks like an intimidating man with long (now purple) dreads and dark skin, but he spends his entire day sewing or knitting clothes for everyone. There is also Elijah, the oldest protector, who comes off as a grumpy old man with long hair and a mean look. In reality, he is just someone who is very misunderstood and who likes cooking. He is also very confused by everything in the world, and enjoys it when Kenny puts flowers in his hair. 

Their job is mainly emotional support and doing things the system deems too hard for anyone else to do (going to trauma land, doctors appointments). They mostly stick to emotional support because they are usually too easily riled up to do anything daily. So that means helping if one of us self harms, trying to pull someone out of a flashback/supporting someone after one, holding someone when they feel bad, sleeping in bed so we feel safe, etc. 

Our protectors are; Joji, Elijah, Squall, Rose, Rude, Duck, Cat, Xiggy, Ox, and Clarence.

The protectees are usually small, moody, sometimes mute people. They make up the majority of the main fronters, and are usually filled with lots of trauma memories but also lots of strength. 

Our protectees are; Kenny, Roo, Cloud, Deir, Matty, Tang, Lolly, Shark, and Zen.

I am an inbetweener. We usually lean more on the protector side of the scale, but some of us usually need our own protectors and some of us don’t. 

We are; Me(Adam), Ren, Sora, Marly, Mellow, Kyu, and Levi. 

Here is how we pair up. 

Protector  Protectee – Inbetweener

Joji – Roo Adam

Elijah – Kenny – Renau

Squall – Cloud

Cat Shark

Rude – Deir

Xiggy – Tang

Rose – Marly

Duck – Sora

Ox – Lolly

Clarence – Zen

Kyu – Levi 

How do you date someone in your body?

No idea. 

Joking! Well, we do a lot of stuff in head world. We spend lots of time cuddling and talking, we can hold hands and go for walks, or sit and watch a movie. Normal things like that, though who ever is fronting for us to be in head world doesn’t get the full sensation as if you were holding hands with someone in real life. It’s like long distance dating, but you can see and hear the person you just can’t feel them. 

We do stuff while co-fronting as well. We’ve taken each other out on dates (is easy that way because you only pay for one meal), we’ve bought each other gifts, etc. 

I suppose it’s just like dating someone in real life, but even when they’re next to you they aren’t next to you. 

Which brings me to my next main point;

Why this isn’t for everyone- aka why I kind of don’t suggest it.

It’s really heartbreaking. I’m glad we are opening up about it because it means we can vent on twitter. 

“It hurts being in love with someone you can’t touch. Someone you can’t bring home to mom, or have a big marriage with, or even have a child if you wanted to. I can’t go grocery shopping and hold hands. I can’t watch him cook in our cabin while wearing an apron that says some silly thing on it. I can’t hold the love of my life when I’m sad and scared, I can’t braid their hair. I can’t kiss them. It’s nearly torture. But I subject myself to it because I can’t imagine the thought of not having them at all. I can’t stand the look in their eyes when I have even a sliver of a doubt about all of this. The hope of some day getting to spend real time with them makes it worth it, and makes every day a little bit easier. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. ” – Kenny 

It is so rewarding being able to spend even a little time with someone you love, but it sure does make you wish for more.

Why this is totally okay if you experience it, and why it’s totally okay if you don’t:

This last point is just a little bit of validation for the systems out there who do have memebers in relationships. I never really see this talked about (except in maybe Tumblr, but that website is toxic), so I want to open this up for anyone to come and talk to us about anything. 

If your in love with a system member- awesome! Try a relationship if you both want. 

If your entire system is kids and that would be super weird- that’s also cool! Don’t feel like this is something you have to do or that every system does. Zack isn’t included on this list because he is just a child and it would be weird for him to date anyone. Instead he is Cloud and Squalls kid. 

If your entire system hates each other- that’s fine, it happens. 

Remember, what your experience is is your own true experience. You don’t need to change based of what others say. If it happens to you, then it’s normal! 

Also side note; we do have other relationships that aren’t romantic.  Siblings is a big one, like Cloud and Roo or Ren and myself. 

Okay thanks for reading all of that if you did. Any comments are much appreciated, except pure hate. Even if you don’t agree feel free to comment why, just try and be nice about it.

– Adam.