Rebuilding Inner World: Update One

Working on our inner world has come to a standstill at the moment, as we’ve been super-extra busy with our sister, appointments, and life in general. Though that doesn’t mean we haven’t worked on it.
Kenny and the building bosses (Renau and Squall) went down to the town to try and see if houses were something that could be built. Kenny just wanted to move in himself and his little family but had the invitation that anyone could come down and if we were able to form houses they could move in.

In our real life, we live in a community full of three different housing types. We copied one of them. Three stories, each story has their own apartment. We worked out that we would need four buildings. Everyone showed up after we got the first building formed, so three more buildings went up.

Inside they are mostly the same since they are copies of one another to keep it simple. They surround a dirt path that forms a circle with a fountain in the middle. The top floor of Kenny’s building is home to our current hang-out spot.

They have been a great change since our old homes were starting to feel cramped. We have a map drawn out of all the things we’d like to add to the town and where they would go, but we are giving ourselves a break to work on other stuff.

~ Roo

Whisps, trauma, and inner world goings on.

I have another post lined up that I wanted to write, but I’m not quite finished with it and I feel this needed to be written up today. 

I can’t remember if we’ve described what a whisp is, and frankly we don’t really know what they are either. Our therapist and I have hypothesized that they are probably parts that are fully stuck in memories or some kind of split from actual parts that are just bad memories. In head world they’re long flowing dragon like things that when black (their original color- I’ll get into that later down the post) they have no face. 

🚨 Odd Pronoun Use Ahead! 🚨

The whisps use ce/cir/cirs/cirself pronouns. 

Ce = he/she/they 
cir = him/her/them
 cirs = his/hers/theirs
 cirself = themself/themselves/himself/herself


We have a rainbow one, who is just called Rainbow. Cir is a whisp with a kind of possum-pig face and small front paws that can go into cirs body. Cirs body is a stream of colors that flows out like a comet trail has ce moves. Kind of like if you held up sheer rainbow silk and let it flow out behind you. 

Cir is the original one to make contact as a ‘color whisp’. Ce came around when Sunny was first found and have stayed present ever since. 

In therapy today we were talking about how we had tried to explore what is out old living space in head world. We’ve been trying to find a way to add more things to do in headworld just so that it isn’t always just sit-talk-sleep. 

At the moment we live in a kind of terrarium of sorts. It’s like a very large warehouse(?) that has a lake, small forest, cabins and a rec center. This is off the main hall that is the downstairs of our ‘house’. Now we,  back when it was ‘just the 9 of us'(hah), lived in the downstairs but it was a different downstairs. Then we moved upstairs which is where we lived when all the ‘newbies’ were coming around. 

The house is settled on a hill surrounded by forests. There’s a path to the right that leads down to a town. The town has a road that leads to the caves which is where we all lived initially. The town was where we all lived during high school and for a little time before and after that. 

We went back down to the town, knowing the whisps were going to be a problem. There were more problems then we expected. The whisps left us alone for the most part, which was good! When we got into town everything was destroyed. The entire town is in ruins, building are crumbling down, nothing was bright or sunny like it used to be. There were monsters roaming around trying to get our attention.

We brought this up with our therapist, because to me especially it felt like a major blow. This town was supposed to be connected to good memories. The fact that everything is in shambles means that this place has been tainted like everything else. 

Our therapist listened to us (Kyu fronting at the time) vent. Kyu is really smart, and thinks of things to help the system all the time. He had the idea of maybe giving the whisps a color other than black that would make them less scary to be around and would give them the sense that they are important and can be a part of every day life in head world. 

So we grabbed the buzzers and our therapist just let us (Rainbow, myself, Kyu, Clarence, and Levi) sit and work ourselves out with the help of bilateral stimulus. 

Every one of the whisps got a color they’re happy with, and then they started to become more defined. Rainbow stayed the same possum-pig nosed creature, but others took a some what different form that would still be easy enough for them to keep. Teal, Lilac, and Powder Pink are kind of eel-like with a betta fish face. Orange, Red+Orange, Black+White, and Yellow are all kind of koi fish like though not as much as others. Cotton Candy, and Maple/Fawn are like Rainbow. Forest Green and The Big Guy (black+white+pink) are obviously koi fish, though Forest green might be more goldfish like. 

When we were finished and I had pushed Kyu out of front we felt so much better! Tired and drained, but I could feel the sunshine in there already. I asked my therapist what we should do about the town, since it was me who came up with the idea to maybe move back there and it was me who got so upset about it being razed. 

She said that it might have to be rebuilt, like by hand. We have builders (Squall, Renau are the main guys but Sora and Marly also help out) and they’re always looking for new things to build (and maybe feeding into my bad ideas too much). They of course said they would. Ren is my hubby so he’d do anything I wanted with in reason (apparently building a town is a reasonable thing to do), Squall is just a helpful guy and also Cloud’s partner and Cloud spoils me too much. 

We had a case yesterday of a child who we found at the door to the house who was… in bad shape (that’s putting it very lightly). He poofed away before anyone could really focus on helping him (aka get over how bad of shape he was in). Today Lolly got fed up and went out to find him with Kuzu by his side. They found the kid but neither of them knew how to help him. 

Squall came to them because most protectors have some sort of “medical training” (not in real life). There was really no easy way to help this kid, and Squall had to rebuild part of his body.  Long story short he managed to rebuild the boys broken parts and now the kid is fairly healthy!

This gave me the idea, as I sat waiting for my mom to come down from a shower to watch TV, maybe we should see what the outside headworld was looking like now. The biggest problems that were keeping us from being able to rebuild it were the lack of sun and the monsters. 

I came out the door, and it’s actually bright and sunny. The monsters have formed themselves into less(?) scary forest animals which is easier to live around. The town is stil destroyed, but Ren and Squall are hopeful that they can rebuild it with some help. 

I may make this a series about inner world stuff and the progress we make. I want it to be slow so that we don’t push ourselves too far too soon. 

My therapist always says that taking care of either other system mates or the headworld in general is a form of healing ourselves with out having to relive the trauma. I agree with her 100% because it’s always worked. Putting effort into making our space better and more happy/healthy/homey/warm/etc always makes us feel better. 

If any of you bring anything out of this, my suggestion to you is that if you have a inner world/head world try and tidy it up a bit. Add some lamps/light, give people beds, cook warm food, have toys for the kiddos. I don’t know how else to explain but but doing stuff in headworld to better your relationship with your parts or bettering the space you go to to escape is healing. I’ve heard/read professionals saying that and it’s true at least for us.

Take care of yourselves! You’re all important. You matter. Your feelings/thoughts/everything are valid. 

Thanks for reading!

Kenny

Keeping On Track

Kenny and I were talking only a moment ago about things that have happened in headworld and trying to continue to put energy towards working on them. I talked to our therapist about this a bit today in between discussion about the wall that is blocking us from feeling our emotions. 

She asked us about how the newer kids were doing, and I didn’t know what to say. I told her that our energy had been pulled in so many different directions with the dog, our bird, and the emotional stuff that had come up these past few weeks.

She asked me if they were still getting time spent with them in head world and I said yes, but I feel like they haven’t gotten nearly has much time has they could have been getting. Kenny, Adam, and Roo all agree with me that we haven’t been spending nearly enough time with them. 

People do spend time with them though, Squall or Lolly and Kuzu are always around my bonded kids. Ren and Elijah are always around their kiddos. Joji, Sora, and Roku have their kids under control. 

That doesn’t seem like enough though. They bonded with us main guys and we’ve been too wrapped up in our own BS to even watch TV and cuddle with them. 

We can’t forgot our kiddos. 

Cloud 

New Hostinng Situation. 

For the past few weeks (a month and a half or so) Kenny has been fronting with minimal help and minimal time away from fronting. He’s been dealing with the kids and gathering them from outside of the terrarium. He’s been helping more with our sister and our mothers needs. He has been doing the therapy sessions. Mostly by himself, with me(Renau) or Elijah has a background carrying the kiddos who are attached to him around so they can be close to him. 

Kenny has never liked fronting, he’s always been way too sensitive. He gets wound up and makes people angry, or will assume he’s done something wrong and get anxious. Fronting is not his thing. Co-fronting is though, since we’ve been diagnosed he has co-fronted a lot but enjoys his breaks. 

He only took up fronting because our regular hosts (Cloud and Adam) have been having a bit of a hard time in their personal lives. Adam is always default; if no one else can or will front he is out and at the ready. Kyu is our back up host, in times of high stress (our mothers health scare in 2016 for instance) or in times where things really need to get done, but just aren’t. This really isn’t that time. Kyu is also too abrasive for long term hosting, our mom would notice something is up. 

Roo has been getting better at fronting for long periods of time, but he and Adam are currently going though a mutual existential crisis. He has agreed to co-host and help me do things like run the shower. He will also front as often as he feel he can (usually once a day). I hope he will help me manage some of the things with our mother, since she is awkward for me to be around. 

I and Squall are the only others (who aren’t listed above) with hosting experience. We co-hosted together for a while way back before we got diagnosed (we’ve figured out it was us hosting). Squall is a protector though, and it is very exhausting to have a protector front for longer than a day. Plus, Cloud would want to help him and Cloud needs a major break.

Kenny asked me because not only am I his partner, I also spend lots of time with our kiddo parts as well. I also happen to be a fairly grounded part in terms of who I am and what it feels like for me to front. That makes it easier for Kenny to co-front with out coming out fully and taking over and in turn wearing himself down even more (as is the case with him and Roo). 

He asked me because since I’m usually around him it will allow him to spend time with the kids and not have to front- something that is very important to him. 

I’m hoping I can do this long term, and I believe I will. At least until Cloud or Adam gets enough gumption to take their positions back! 

I will still be posting Roos poetry (and he will still be writing it f course) and I will stick with the at-least-once-per-week blog posts. (Which are going to be on Wednesdays!) 

Thanks for reading, have a nice evening! 

– Renau

Romance Between System Mates

This may be quite a long post, but I feel like there is many points that need to be made, and I want to talk in depth about all of them. These are the main points I will hit on with this post, but I will most likely make more post about this subject in the future. 

  • History of our relationships.
  • How they work for us.
  • Why they aren’t for every system.
  • Why they are totally okay if you have them, and why it’s totally okay if you don’t. 

I hope people won’t judge us too hard for this, we haven’t really told anyone about this ever. It’s just my experience, and my life- it doesn’t have to change yours or how you view things.

So first things first; 

How this all started-

It has always been a thing in our system for us to be in romantic relationships with each other. Even with others we aren’t romantic with we are all generally pretty darn close with each other. 

Before we were ever diagnosed, back when we thought this was all a figment of our imagination and that it happened to every creative person, we believed that we were characters that Kenny (then our birth name) created. Of course, since every book or story we read was some sort of romance story, we kind of paired off into couples as Kenny would write us in his stories. When we would spend time together, it would be labeled as Kenny brainstorming story ideas- but in reality it was us getting to know one another and us being romantic with each other. 

The bonds have all remained strong, though some things have changed since we got diagnosed. 

When we did get diagnosed, we were all so close to one another that it both made it hard to handle and easy to handle at the same time. Easy because, hey we didn’t need to learn to talk to one another and we all basically got along. It was hard though because it left us feeling like our feelings for each other were just empty trauma feelings that weren’t really there. Those feelings weren’t helped by the therapist who we were working with at the group home. She was used to working with people with Schizophrenia, and kind of made us feel like we were just parts to a broken mirror and not our own mirrors.

Now, I know that works for most systems, feeling as if they are all part of a bigger whole. It’s never worked for us, we’re too individual, too strong of people, we feel so different from one another. So inside our mind we hold a different belief as to why we are here in this body- though it still is 100% trauma related. I may share that theory if someone is interested.

Anyway, back to where I was. We eventually got past this fear that everything was just a hollow meaningless nothing caused by trauma. It was helped in part by a very nice person on YouTube, whose videos have helped us tremendously through out the years. She made a video that helped us feel not so alone in our way of thinking, and helped us feel  validated.

A week after the group home’s psychiatrist formally diagnosed us with DID, Ren practically begged Kenny to try a relationship with him. It was kind of pathetic, but he’s my twin so I’ll give him a pass. That marked the start of us accepting us as people, and us trying really hard not to brush off our feelings.

During Valentine’s Day, since my older partner (Roo) wasn’t around when we got diagnosed, I decided to try and ask a protector I had become close with to see if he would like to try what Kenny and Ren had started. Joji of course said yes, and that was that. When Roo finally did come back in early 2016 (maybe even 2015 Christmas time) we kind of awkwardly talked to each other and also eventually decided to continue where we had started. The feelings were still there, and now he and Joji may even be closer with each other than they are with me (maybe). 

How our relationships work-

I’m going to break this down into subsections, protector&protectee, and, how do you date someone in your body.

Protector and Protectee-

After spending the last two years doing nothing but helping with our sister and messing about in head world, we have come to learn a lot about how our system works. There is three types of people in our system (they aren’t 100% accurate for every one), the protector, the inbetweeners, and the protectee. This is all just a good way to work out how our system makes sense. 

A protector is generally a fairly masculine male, tall and muscular, intimidating and grumpy. They are all, for the most part, huge softies. Like with Joji, he looks like an intimidating man with long (now purple) dreads and dark skin, but he spends his entire day sewing or knitting clothes for everyone. There is also Elijah, the oldest protector, who comes off as a grumpy old man with long hair and a mean look. In reality, he is just someone who is very misunderstood and who likes cooking. He is also very confused by everything in the world, and enjoys it when Kenny puts flowers in his hair. 

Their job is mainly emotional support and doing things the system deems too hard for anyone else to do (going to trauma land, doctors appointments). They mostly stick to emotional support because they are usually too easily riled up to do anything daily. So that means helping if one of us self harms, trying to pull someone out of a flashback/supporting someone after one, holding someone when they feel bad, sleeping in bed so we feel safe, etc. 

Our protectors are; Joji, Elijah, Squall, Rose, Rude, Duck, Cat, Xiggy, Ox, and Clarence.

The protectees are usually small, moody, sometimes mute people. They make up the majority of the main fronters, and are usually filled with lots of trauma memories but also lots of strength. 

Our protectees are; Kenny, Roo, Cloud, Deir, Matty, Tang, Lolly, Shark, and Zen.

I am an inbetweener. We usually lean more on the protector side of the scale, but some of us usually need our own protectors and some of us don’t. 

We are; Me(Adam), Ren, Sora, Marly, Mellow, Kyu, and Levi. 

Here is how we pair up. 

Protector  Protectee – Inbetweener

Joji – Roo Adam

Elijah – Kenny – Renau

Squall – Cloud

Cat Shark

Rude – Deir

Xiggy – Tang

Rose – Marly

Duck – Sora

Ox – Lolly

Clarence – Zen

Kyu – Levi 


How do you date someone in your body?

No idea. 

Joking! Well, we do a lot of stuff in head world. We spend lots of time cuddling and talking, we can hold hands and go for walks, or sit and watch a movie. Normal things like that, though who ever is fronting for us to be in head world doesn’t get the full sensation as if you were holding hands with someone in real life. It’s like long distance dating, but you can see and hear the person you just can’t feel them. 

We do stuff while co-fronting as well. We’ve taken each other out on dates (is easy that way because you only pay for one meal), we’ve bought each other gifts, etc. 

I suppose it’s just like dating someone in real life, but even when they’re next to you they aren’t next to you. 

Which brings me to my next main point;

Why this isn’t for everyone- aka why I kind of don’t suggest it.

It’s really heartbreaking. I’m glad we are opening up about it because it means we can vent on twitter. 

“It hurts being in love with someone you can’t touch. Someone you can’t bring home to mom, or have a big marriage with, or even have a child if you wanted to. I can’t go grocery shopping and hold hands. I can’t watch him cook in our cabin while wearing an apron that says some silly thing on it. I can’t hold the love of my life when I’m sad and scared, I can’t braid their hair. I can’t kiss them. It’s nearly torture. But I subject myself to it because I can’t imagine the thought of not having them at all. I can’t stand the look in their eyes when I have even a sliver of a doubt about all of this. The hope of some day getting to spend real time with them makes it worth it, and makes every day a little bit easier. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. ” – Kenny 

It is so rewarding being able to spend even a little time with someone you love, but it sure does make you wish for more.

Why this is totally okay if you experience it, and why it’s totally okay if you don’t:

This last point is just a little bit of validation for the systems out there who do have memebers in relationships. I never really see this talked about (except in maybe Tumblr, but that website is toxic), so I want to open this up for anyone to come and talk to us about anything. 

If your in love with a system member- awesome! Try a relationship if you both want. 

If your entire system is kids and that would be super weird- that’s also cool! Don’t feel like this is something you have to do or that every system does. Zack isn’t included on this list because he is just a child and it would be weird for him to date anyone. Instead he is Cloud and Squalls kid. 

If your entire system hates each other- that’s fine, it happens. 

Remember, what your experience is is your own true experience. You don’t need to change based of what others say. If it happens to you, then it’s normal! 

Also side note; we do have other relationships that aren’t romantic.  Siblings is a big one, like Cloud and Roo or Ren and myself. 

Okay thanks for reading all of that if you did. Any comments are much appreciated, except pure hate. Even if you don’t agree feel free to comment why, just try and be nice about it.

– Adam.

bernina-pass-lake

First off, I want to thank another blogger for linking this article. I’ve never really put too much thought into my inner world, meaning I never really thought it was something strange that others (singlets) didn’t have. Even after I got my diagnosis it never hit me how important my inner world is to my system.

Now, our inner world has gone through many changes. When Kenny would first go to it, back as a very young child, he and Elijah would hang out in this little shack on the beach, with a pier right behind them. It would sometimes change to be a jungle, but mostly it stayed as a beach.There’s a big gap in our memory where we don’t remember what went on with each other, but when we were 11 or so, our inner world changed to be this big system of caves underground. After that, it was a town, then a big mansion, and now finally it is what it is today.

Everything is still in its original place, but the caves are boarded off, the town is flooded with a thick black gunk, the mansion is locked away from the outside with a huge metal door. We currently live in something indescribable. It may be another place altogether, or it may just be a big warehouse that doesn’t follow true life rules.

I would like to start a series where we go on about what’s going on in our inner world, just to document it.

In the article I linked above, it talks about the importance of how an inner world can increase internal communication and co-consciousness. This makes a lot of sense to us because we’ve surprised many people (ourselves included) with how far we are along with getting to know everyone system wise. I mean there’s really not a lot left to do in terms of gaining co-consciousness or setting up better communication. There are still tons of things to work on, but we don’t have too many troubles interacting with one another.

It’s nice, we’ve all known each other for so long (our newest people part came around in 2008) that we know each other quirks.

I say that, but there is a whole lot to learn about each other. I mention in our about that we have a group we call the “newbies”. They aren’t new to the system, but they are new to the idea of being a system. They’re parts we managed to pull back from dormancy while exploring our inner world. They are still getting used to the idea of fronting and dealing with trauma. We’re all getting to know each other as our own people and not just as whatever we thought we were before.

Our inner world has been very helpful to us just as an escape from the nasty stuff and the not so nasty stuff. Long car rides (something we still fall into: we step in a car and once it starts moving instantly in inner world), before bed (now a habit), sitting in class, watching a boring movie, etc.

It’s brought us together, and I honestly think it’s helped us heal further than we where we would have been without it.

Cloud