Kid’s Dreams and Trauma

We’ve been really tired lately. It might be depression, or it might be something to do with our iron levels (probably both honestly). We try not to nap, but sometimes it just happens. Sunday we napped for a while, Kenny was fronting and had already had nightmares the night before.
Kenny must have slipped into one of the kiddo’s dreams. It was traumatic, to say the least. This must have also been the reason why this particular kiddo has also had a problem sleeping. I’m not going to describe it, I feel like it would not only bring the blog down but it would also be unnecessarily re-traumatizing for this kiddo.

I should describe this kiddo a little bit.

His name is Chance, we found him in front of the main door to the terrarium back when we lived there. He cannot walk, and the one time he accidentally fronted we couldn’t move our legs until Zack managed to take front back. He’s around four years old, maybe a little younger depending on the situation. He is bonded to Adam mostly but is also bonded to myself (Roo) and Joji. He has a great personality, very sweet. He loves dinosaurs (like most of the kiddos seem to right now).

When we figured out it was him who had the dream, Kenny and I checked up on him. I’ve kept a close eye on him since then (I’m writing this on Monday night). He slept in bed with me, Adam, and Joji last night per his request.

I was able to talk to our therapist today (or well listen in while Lolly talked) and I’d like to share the advice she gave us. Most of it is stuff we have already done with him (and the other kiddos).

She said to offer him more care and be gentle with him. He’s been trying to be closer to whoever is fronting since I’ve been fronting it’s been nice to hang out with him. Our T talks about giving ‘loving eyes’ which is where we make eye contact (usually in headworld) with the kiddo (or another adult) in question and try to push loving thoughts into the front of our mind.

We do this with the babies a lot, just because we think their trauma is more based on neglect. It seems to work well, we usually do this while giving them a bottle since that’s like double care.

In general, we really try to push the care and love onto one another. We have always gotten our love and affection from one another which I guess is a depressing concept in general.

Honestly, I can’t think of any ‘family’ in this system that doesn’t really enjoy spending time with their kiddos. I know that while they were coming around it was pretty stressful, but now that they have all settled it’s quite great to have them.

Working through their trauma will be hard. My therapist and I both agree that we don’t want to push it too quickly, my therapist is even weary of having us adults do trauma work right now. I want more time with the kiddos before we work on anything. I want to enjoy them and get to know them.

All of the kids are friendly with each other (so far) and all are loved by every one of us main guys.

I knew that it was a possibility that they hold trauma, I just didn’t think it would be that severe.

~ Roo

Kid Protectors and Stuff.


Before kid parts ever started to be around in this system, we had never given the idea of them any thought. With Zack finally allowing himself to be something other a dog, and finally fitting himself into the role has the first kid, it kind of changed the way we thought of things. Some of us started age sliding, though now I think it was just kid parts blurring with us to try and get some attention since it has stopped happening. Then kids just started showing up on our doorstep basically. I think the kids have all finally come out of the woodwork, though who really knows at this point.
The kids and the “newbies” are going through the same kind of thing right now, trying to find themselves and learn about who they are. There are only a few who are going through the change right now. By change, I mean getting used to the idea of this all being real and us being a system, fronting and the idea of spending time doing things they like, sharing time with others, getting to know everyone, and building up their own personality. Currently, Lolly, Zack, and Sora are going trough this. Lolly seems to be the furthest along, but there are always unexpected bumps in the road.

Zack is the first kiddo we’ve had that’s going through this. We don’t know a lot about kid parts and how to make their lives happy. We try and do things like coloring, or watching TV, we buy toys and kids books. It seemed to be working fine until the other night.

It was Thursday, we were running into Walmart to buy some stuff for our mom. We had just gotten our disability check and we usually give ourselves $10 – $15 to spend on something that isn’t food, phone card, laundry, meds, or rent. Our budget is tighter this month because last month we said we’d give our mom $50 more for rent for driving us to (almost) Canada to get our bird. No big deal, that $50 usually just loosens our food budget and gives us a couple more bucks to spend on extras.

I (Roo) took us over to toys because I wanted the kiddos to try and pick something out. We found some dinosaur figures we really liked (the Schleich ones), even though they only had two in stock. One was $13 and I say they could get it if they wanted. Zack started to get really angry and said he didn’t deserve any toys. Sharkie and Chance who were the other two kiddos out kind of just followed along and said they didn’t want anything.

We left and went to the grocery store. They have this box of balls that are sometimes in fun colors, and I promised I would let the kiddos pick out something to eat. Chance and Sharkie picked out Lucky Charms, but Zack still seemed to be in a pretty bad mood about everything. I asked him if he wanted to pick out a ball. He kind of seemed in awe that I was asking him if he wanted one. He picked out a blue one and it seemed like that was that.

Today (Saturday) we went to Target with our mom. We looked in the toy section again, and Zack got unbelievably angry. He was angry throughout the entire store and I had to go out to the car early. We went into Micheals after, and they have the Safari LTD toys there. I tried to get the kids to pick one out, only Zack and Sharkie were out at the time. We were having a hard time deciding and Zack kept getting angrier and angrier. He started to get kind of mean about stuff, so I eventually just left. He was so angry that he was crying and Squall picked him up and carried him into the decompressing room in our hang out apartment in headworld.

On the car ride home, Lolly and I started to talk about him. Lolly felt responsible in some way for Zack acting out since they seem like buddies. Lolly went in to talk to Zack about everything in the hopes of getting him to calm down and think.

It came out that Zack has been feeling bad because he couldn’t protect any of the kids from getting hurt. Chance and Zack’s close friend Jordan have some impairments from trauma. One of the newer toddlers also has some internal showings of trauma. Zack feels responsible for them and felt like he didn’t deserve toys or to even pick them out. The other kids just kind of went along with it (though they may have their own deeper reasons for it).

It was pretty obvious that he is suffering from what we call “protectors guilt”, where a protector feels like they couldnt protect anyone right, or that they’re the cause of it. Almost every one of our protective alters feels this way or has at some point. Squall bardged in on them and called a meeting for the other protectors to come in and talk to Zack. It seemed to help him a lot.

I’m hoping if anything else happens that we can have the oppertunity to work through it with our T. Though she will probably say what we’ve been doing is all that we need to do because she says everything we do is stuff she’d suggest. Then she’d ask if we wanted to let a drop of it go, or if we wanted to hold the buzzies to work through it.

~ Roo

(side note I realize we haven’t done ‘song of the day’ for a few days, we’ve been really tired and have been staying up with our sister too late to write them)

 

Keeping On Track

Kenny and I were talking only a moment ago about things that have happened in headworld and trying to continue to put energy towards working on them. I talked to our therapist about this a bit today in between discussion about the wall that is blocking us from feeling our emotions. 

She asked us about how the newer kids were doing, and I didn’t know what to say. I told her that our energy had been pulled in so many different directions with the dog, our bird, and the emotional stuff that had come up these past few weeks.

She asked me if they were still getting time spent with them in head world and I said yes, but I feel like they haven’t gotten nearly has much time has they could have been getting. Kenny, Adam, and Roo all agree with me that we haven’t been spending nearly enough time with them. 

People do spend time with them though, Squall or Lolly and Kuzu are always around my bonded kids. Ren and Elijah are always around their kiddos. Joji, Sora, and Roku have their kids under control. 

That doesn’t seem like enough though. They bonded with us main guys and we’ve been too wrapped up in our own BS to even watch TV and cuddle with them. 

We can’t forgot our kiddos. 

Cloud 

Wednesday Update!

I was going to post another one like last week, but enough stuff has been going on that I can make a post with out a prompt. 

I think our last post was “Kid-uation” where Elijah explains what’s been going on with the kiddos and us in general.

Adam and I (Cloud) have been fronting again, I think we’re finally just ready to do it. We’re still having problems, but we’ve been handling it okay so far. 

Two more kids have shown up. Both of them are as bad as the last boy who joined Ken’s family. One is paralyzed from the waist down and one is blind. I don’t know if that’s a normal thing to have disabled alters,  but we have them. 

The blind kid is attached to me, and the other kiddo is attached to Adam. They are very sweet. 

We built a area for people to front and have fun with the kids with all of them around. We haven’t used it yet but I feel like it could come in handy.

Do any of you have disabled alters? 

We have been pretty busy these past three days, but the hardest part of the week is over!

Thanks all – Cloud

Kid-uation 

(Funny title by an unfunny man)

Our system is somewhat in chaos. Adam, Roo, and even Joji (some what) have been having identity issues. Cloud has been having a terrible memory(?) come up every time he fronts, so he and Squall have been preoccupied with that. Cloud has also been having identity issues because he’s trying to distance himself from himself… if that makes sense. 

Everyone else is a “newbie” and isn’t ready to front for long periods with out supervision. 

These are all things we can handle, we have been dealing with them since we got diagnosed (and then stopped receiving therapy). What is a new thing is the kids. 

Long story short; we have been having periods of great anxiety, then  a new child part will show up. It started after we found Matty, then Kisa, and now there’s four more (along side a new adult part). 

Jonah was the first to show up, he is attached to Roo, Adam, and Joji. He is a baby, like Matty. Next was Duncan who is about 9-10, he has been staying with Levi and Kyu and is fairly attached to them. There is two more, one who is attached to Lolly and Ox, he is also a baby but maybe a few months older than Matty and Jonah. He is currently waiting for a name to come along, Lolly calls him Shim at the moment.

Last is another young boy who’s waiting for a name. He has not been able to leave our (Ken, Ren, and I’s) side. Matty and Kisa (the two other kids we’ve adopted into our family) went though this phase as well, but I think this time Ken isn’t going to let this child be alone for too long. He is a little older, maybe 4-5. He does not speak English (or any known language) but he is not mute. He was very proud of himself today for being able to connect in some way with us (he made the noise that a dragon/dinosaurs would make when we saw a Pokémon Kenny gave him the exact card he was trying to imitate). 

He was fond naked, and had to be put to sleep by Rain (the colored “good” wisp, which is our version of a dragon you could say). He woke up later and we were able to get clothes on him. He took a bath today, and did sleep last night. 

We fear he may be a trauma holder of severe trauma, which may also be the trauma Cloud is remembering but maybe not. 

We have written a lot this week, and it has helped. 

Thank you,

Elijah 

A new muppet. 

So, I’m only now seeing the comment that seems to predict what happened this past week, and what was discovered at our last therapy session. 

Our T wanted to do some EMDR to see if we could let a drop of the bad feelings go, she wanted me to ask my system if they were comfortable with having it done. I gathered everyone up quick, and ask. One person held up their hand, a redhead who is called Matty. He hadn’t gotten a lot of time to front, he always refused to hang out with the group. 

When he raised his hand I knew something was up. I pulled him to the side and I was surprised to see a toddler before me. I took him to the back room, quickly told my T that I found a kid. I explained to him that it wouldn’t hurt, and I asked him to co-front so our T would explain it. 

He did really well, and our session ended before I could talk about him. I’ve been working with what little I know about kid parts, our only other full time kid is Zack, but he’s 7(ish) and can mostly hold his own. Besides, he was mainly bonded with Cloud who is the one who’s taken care of every one who age slides when they are a younger part. 

Matty bonded with me, he’s very attached to me and at first he didn’t want to leave me at all. Now, he’ll be held by someone else but needs to be in the same space as me. I feel very attached to him as well. I’ve taken him under my wing and have kind of formed a parental role with him (same has Cloud & Squall are with Zack) 

He wets the bed/himself when scared (so far only in our inner world), he is attached to a stuffed toy and a small plastic toy in inner world. I’m hoping to get his stuffed Dino made by one of those drawing to toy companies.

I can’t wait for my next appointment so I can get some advice. A few things have been coming up, but I think it’s the stress of my sister & mother along side the inner world stuff.
Kenny