Daily Journal and Therapy

Sora and Roo haven’t fronted yet today, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to just to talk about our day. Besides, I fronted for a long bit of it, and I did therapy today which is what would have been talked about anyway.

So no question, I want to save them for Sora since he’s the one they’re mostly there for.

Therapy today was rough. Our therapist listened to me talk about the nonsense that had happened during the last week, but I think she had caught on to my reluctance to try and do any real memory/emdr work. I’ve (speaking has the entire system now) have been really super nervous about it. We’ve already had stuff coming up, and our mom is so into herself that we know it would be a hard day when we started it.

Has I started running out of things to say (15 minutes into our session) she asked if she could suggest something. She basically went into telling me (just me, Lolly, now). I said sure because I’m pretty open. She started telling me about how the EMDR would work and saying she thinks it would be a good time to start working on some of it. She said we’d only do it in super small chunks. I was okay with that but my mind kind of blanked on what my trauma had been.

Kenny could tell you all day long what his was, so couldn’t Adam. Roo could probably dig something up with ease. Cloud could too, but Cloud and I kind of blur so I was thinking that the trauma I was remembering what just what I had overheard from Cloud.

But the memory and feelings and everything were enough that I felt like I could work on that trauma.

She had me tell her a visual, the feeling, and a phrase I associated it with. She said if I didn’t have all that it was fine, but I did. She had me hold onto one of those things in my mind and I watched her fingers go from left to right really quickly for a couple of seconds. We did that three more times and it helped!

She also helped me put that memory into a little space where I wouldn’t bring it up until our next session. We did some more eye movements and then my session was over.

I thought it worked out really well. I’m still super nervous about doing it, but I think now is the right time.

Thats it for today all.

Thanks!

~ Lolly

Trying Bullet Journaling

Since we’re too much of a perfectionist with things we do by hand and since we’re always looking for a way to journal on our phone that actually keeps our attention, we thought bullet journaling wouldn’t be right for us. We saw a Tumblr post (that Sora has reblogged here [ I will warn you the post is small text and image heavy] ) that showed how this person set up a bullet journal inspired way of journaling on their computer using Onenote.

We thought, hey we could do this! We only usually have our phone the computer we have access to is our mothers and we wouldn’t really want our private journals there. The main feature we needed for the journaling to work (tables) didn’t work on the IOS app. We were pretty bummed.

We thought that maybe we could use Google Docs, so we downloaded it and tried it. It works! Setting it up was a little bit of a pain, so we borrowed our mom’s computer to finish setting the template up.

Below are the screen shots of what we came up with.

 

BJ 1
This shows our ‘Who Fronts When’ table. It lists our main fronters, the days of the week, and then a little key for what the check marks mean. We switch a lot so that’s why we have the key there.

 

 

BJ 2
This just shows the days of the week listed out (and an example of our day). I guess this is where the bullet journal part comes in. It just lists the major parts of our day.
BJ 3
This is an example of a habit tracker. The “x” means we didn’t and the check mark means we did it. Also on this page is a blogging and internet stuff section (or the start of it) here is listed ideas.
bj 4
This shows the rest of the “blogging & internet” section where we have a table for whether or not we’ve posted. Then, this is just something I added because I thought it would be fun, a question of the week!
bj 5
Here is where we can talk to one another/the mute guys, or list some funny/sad/etc stuff that happens, thoughts, everything! 

 

It basically just gives us the guide we like but can’t find with any journaling app, and also gives us a “perfect” looking way to journal. We’ve added quotes and some nice pictures too, which just makes it nicer.

Of course, we can always add to it, or take away. That’s the best part, we have a guide but it’s easy to change if we need to.

EDIT:

After a day of using my the journal thing, I feel like it would be a good idea to share my template. It’s public, all my names and what not have been erased. I’m not 100% sure you can download it (more like 75% sure) but I know you can edit it. I think you can save a copy, so that way it becomes a document on your google docs account that way its more private but I’m not 100% on that either.

Here is the link to the template! It’s on google drive/google docs.

Feel free to tell me how it works out for you, or if it works at all.

Thanks everyone!

~ Lolly

13 Things A System Mate Wants You To Know

We’re stealing this idea from an Instagram post. It feels like a fun thing we could write and maybe share with others (meaning people we know in real life?) 

Here goes:

  1. We all have our own emotions about stuff. One of us could love something, but another could hate it at the same time. Like music, we all have our own tastes. Some of us can listen to whatever, but there is some music only some of us like. Sometimes it’s hard to compromise on things, some of us can be really loud!
  2. I know what I look like in my head, and it’s not what our body looks like. It can cause a lot of confusion and makes shopping for clothes a real bitch. 
  3. Kid parts are actual kids. Yeah, they may be in the body of an adult but you try telling a 4 year old they can’t get a toy because it will embarrass you. It’s not easy.
  4. We all have names, and you’re welcome to learn them. If you want to learn about us individually go for it, we tend to be a bit of an open book. (Please talk to us omg)
  5. We can have fights about stuff that doesn’t even happen in the real world. It’s weird fighting with yourself.
  6. Yes I talk to myself. All the time. If you could hear what goes on in my brain you’d probably want it to stop after about ten seconds of hearing the same song play while someone tells you about why that guy is probably a jerk.
  7. We can see each other in our mind, like we have an entire town? thing there. It’s really fun actually. You can dance with out having anyone see. 
  8. We’ve been together for so long, it would be like being friends with the same people since you were a kid. We’re family. 
  9. If any of us are quiet for longer than maybe 20 minutes then the person fronting freaks out. It’s legit scary to go from near constant noise to nothing. 
  10. We’re people, and we just want to be treated with respect like any other person. That doesn’t mean people have to go out of their way to cater to us, but treat us with dignity and not as a social experience.
  11. Alter/Personality isn’t always what systems call their parts. It can be dehumanizing. 
  12. Remember, we all went though the abuse, not just one of us. 
  13. We’re all the same person we present as, that will never change, but we have our own personal lives too. 

Thanks for reading guys! I should do a more system to system one of these another time too. 

– Lolly

My Memories

Trigger warning: CSA, Incest, Abuse


I’m new to this blog, and I’m new to this fronting thing. Hah, I’m Lolly. I’m trying to figure out myself but I’m remembering like everything right now. It’s awful! But I like fronting, it’s kind of great. I like fronting with my long time partner Ox (I call him Kuzu though hah). He doesn’t talk, but you can totally read his body language. 

Sorry I’ll stop swooning haha. 

I’m trying to avoid getting to this. It’s painful, but I’m numb to it mostly but kind of not. Hah. 

I remembered a really specific time I was raped by ‘father’. Two times kind of, but in the same place and they could have happened at the same time. I don’t think so…

I remember this as much as I remember the one we were going to have him arrested/going to court for. It’s intense! Woah.

It was brought on by mother talking about this time when father basically kidnaped us and drove us to Missouri to go to some stupid tourist attraction. The more I think about it the more I remember whoops ahah. 

We were camping, and there was a pool. We were swimming on the other side of the pool from him, probably avoiding him because he might have been grooming us. But he called us over and we swam over and sat in his lap. 

I figure you know what happens next right? 

The other one I remember is same place and in the hot tub/pool. There was a hose and he called me over and did stuff to me with it. 

Sick ficker. 

I didn’t want to go into the tent with him that night, probably because of that. On that same trip I peed in his car seats and he freaked out and hit me in a rest area. He was over protective of his car. 

Okay I’m done with this aaaaaah. 

lolly