(Funny title by an unfunny man)

Our system is somewhat in chaos. Adam, Roo, and even Joji (some what) have been having identity issues. Cloud has been having a terrible memory(?) come up every time he fronts, so he and Squall have been preoccupied with that. Cloud has also been having identity issues because he’s trying to distance himself from himself… if that makes sense. 

Everyone else is a “newbie” and isn’t ready to front for long periods with out supervision. 

These are all things we can handle, we have been dealing with them since we got diagnosed (and then stopped receiving therapy). What is a new thing is the kids. 

Long story short; we have been having periods of great anxiety, then  a new child part will show up. It started after we found Matty, then Kisa, and now there’s four more (along side a new adult part). 

Jonah was the first to show up, he is attached to Roo, Adam, and Joji. He is a baby, like Matty. Next was Duncan who is about 9-10, he has been staying with Levi and Kyu and is fairly attached to them. There is two more, one who is attached to Lolly and Ox, he is also a baby but maybe a few months older than Matty and Jonah. He is currently waiting for a name to come along, Lolly calls him Shim at the moment.

Last is another young boy who’s waiting for a name. He has not been able to leave our (Ken, Ren, and I’s) side. Matty and Kisa (the two other kids we’ve adopted into our family) went though this phase as well, but I think this time Ken isn’t going to let this child be alone for too long. He is a little older, maybe 4-5. He does not speak English (or any known language) but he is not mute. He was very proud of himself today for being able to connect in some way with us (he made the noise that a dragon/dinosaurs would make when we saw a Pokémon Kenny gave him the exact card he was trying to imitate). 

He was fond naked, and had to be put to sleep by Rain (the colored “good” wisp, which is our version of a dragon you could say). He woke up later and we were able to get clothes on him. He took a bath today, and did sleep last night. 

We fear he may be a trauma holder of severe trauma, which may also be the trauma Cloud is remembering but maybe not. 

We have written a lot this week, and it has helped. 

Thank you,


System Talk

I’ve been having a hard time coming up with things to blog about- not for lack of things happening, but because I have a chronic problem of feeling my life isn’t important enough to write about. This is a feeling shared by the entire system, so you can imagine why we may be a little slow to write up a blog. 

This past Monday. We finally got to talk to our therapist about the terrible flashback problem that had only gotten worse over the weekend. I told her why, for one night at least, I thought they were bad (our mother and her boyfriend having some alone time) but I told her they had been bad even before my moms friend had come over.

Now this appointment was done by Elijah, which isn’t his usual territory. I think he may have mad our therapist a bit nervous by his never ending blank stare. She and Elijah got a long well though, thankfully. He is a protector who certainly needs his own time to work though the things he’s fronted for. 

She commended him for being able to comfort Kenny while in a flashback, and for thinking quickly  enough at one point to pull us out from some serious emotions with some cold snow. The snow is melting though, and with our mothers boyfriend being a almost every weekend thing (meaning we can’t just jump into the bath), our therapist suggested scent as a way to pull us out.

Yesterday we finally found something that may work. It’s a roll on scent that smells calming and gentle. Though it was very expensive, which I guess is okay if it works. 

Have any of you ever tried scent to pull yourselves out of a flashback? We’ve never tried it before, but can see how it could help. 

Other than that, this week I think ends Kennys long period of fronting by himself. For the last two days, I (Cloud) have been default fronter. I’m glad Kenny and Roo are taking a step back from fronting for long periods of time. Neither of them are very well cut out for long term fronting since they both have a heavy trauma burden. 

With me fronting now, two of the less experienced parts have kind of latched onto me for front time. It’s very sweet having two puppy dog like people following you around and asking questions. So thank you Lolli and Ox for being so sweet. 


Community Meeting – a prologue 

We’ve tried in the past to do meetings where we gather the system around and chitchat about how we’re doing and what’s been going on. Last time we did it majorly we tried to make it an every night thing, just to check in. Have everyone say ‘yup I’m good’ and then go back to doing what they were doing.

It didn’t really work out too well. 

Mostly because everyone would just say ‘I’m fine’ then leave. We were doing it over text, for our mute alters, and it didn’t really work properly. The whole point was to connect with each other and have meaningful conversations about where we wanted things to go, what needed to be done, if someone was struggling. Having that over text let my alters just say ‘I’m fine’ and it left me no room to judge if they really were fine.

Since that didn’t really work, we kind of gave up. That was around the time we moved to our current house, so maybe 5 or 6 months ago. Recently our therapist suggested trying again. During the holidays we gathered for our own inner system holidays (mainly thanksgiving). We managed to gather everyone into a big space in head world, and we just ate and talked. It was awkward, because we were all going though something at the time (a recent relapse in SH). 

When our therapist suggested we try the meetings again, she suggested doing them fully in head world, and not trying over text. Saying that alter may feel more comfortable in the place they spend most their time, and we could get every system member who wanted to show up to show up.

We have a small obsession with notebooks, and since all of us had been to a 4H meeting at one time in our life, we decided to do it that style. 

Our head world looks a bit like a summer camp. The summer camp being in our safe inside-outside and not the real outside. There’s an area with horses, gardening, some cows, a thousand dogs everywhere, a small forest and stream. The cabins are set up with one area being the “older” members of the systems cabins (so camp counselors) and the other area being the “newbie” cabins.

Most of the “older” system members cabins are just for their ‘unit’, so it will be 2-4 people in one cabin with a loft for sleeping, bathroom, kitchen, extra room (sewing room, kids room, etc) and a main living room. 

My cabin is a lot like the ‘newbies’ cabins, since it’s impossible for me to say no to anyone who wants to live in my cabin. There’s a loft, where people can sleep/enjoy living, three bedrooms, a kitchen, bathroom and living room. Some of the newbies cabins don’t have as many rooms- but they are all set up to hold more than one ‘unit’. 

Back to the meetings: much like a summer camp, there is a big rec-room where we all can meet. It’s like a big dining hall, with a bunch of things to do, a stage, and lots of chairs. I figured this would be a great place to hold a meeting. 

I gathered everyone up, saying that you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Everyone showed up though!

Trying to make this a weekly thing will bring us together more as a system. A lot of the “newbies” feel as if they aren’t apart of the system, since they weren’t around when we got diagnosed. 

I hope we’ll have many meetings to come! Next post will be a over view of what went on in the meeting.

Thanks for reading 🙂


Unlikely Protectors.

I am one of the ‘newbies’. I am not new at all, I have been around in this system since we were 10. I can pin point the trauma I was made to take. I remember it fully. 

I control myself, my emotions, and my actions very well. Everything I do is neat. My writing, my speaking, my way of presenting myself to the world. I do not appear to have emotions, though I do. They may not always be strong and noticeable, but they’re there. 

I especially have emotions for my partner. He is a gentle giant, and I could never hurt him. I would never hurt him- nor would I let anyone hurt him. He is my soul. The thing that keeps me grounded to this world and myself. 

When I came back into this system in mid to late 2016, I was surprised to learn that we were a system. That this wasn’t all just pretend. I wasn’t an imaginary friend in Kenny’s head. I am a real being, and I can have some say in my life. 

I came back with my angel in tow. We hid for many days, him not talking- and me being too detached to try and connect with anyone. Kenny eventually pulled me in, and I found that fronting comes as naturally to me as eating or breathing. 

I was getting to spend time with my love. But something was different. First, he doesn’t speak. He barely makes any sounds. He at first seemed distant, but has warmed up to me.

The other night, whatever has been on his mind came to a head. Try as I might I couldn’t think of what to do. This was not his usual MO. I remember Kenny doing this, and at one time Adam, but never him. I’ve never been more scared.

Thankfully, after our weekly meeting (something I’m sure someone will make a post about), I was able to speak with Kenny and Roo about what I should be doing. They had Elijah help fix him up, and the three of them started talking.

After many minutes of talking, with out my love listening, I come to find out that I am his protector, not the other way round. This surprised everyone who knows. My love is a big man, tall and muscular. I am average height and thin. 

Protectors in this system don’t really fit into the stereotypical ‘protector’ box. They are more caretakers, but we feel that the word protector describes the role better. I guess I fit this role. 

I am scared to find what this may mean for me and my love. I hope I can be there for him emotionally and be able to help him any way I can.
the cat and the shark