Sora & Roo’s Daily Journal

[6/15/17]

Today was a very long day, yeah I know its only like 6 pm, and yeah I probably woke up at 11 am but we did lots of stuff. We traveled down to our “local” Target to let my sister pick something out for her birthday. We were kind of in a bad mood for the entire time, it’s hot and our mom was kind of bugging us. Usually, after we have days like this we feel really bad for being grumpy towards our mom. Guilt is a killer.

Clarence fronted for a while (while we grocery shopped). Lolly fronted earlier this morning (and last night). Adam fronted for a little while today too. Adam is seeming to have a bit of a problem

Adam is seeming to have a bit of a problem lately. We don’t know if it’s caused by the latest “new” music we’re listening too. It’s a band we’ve listened to since high school, but we found it through a fanfiction. The band has been such a big part of his personality, not necessarily the lyrics but the lead singers voice and stage presence. Their new album has some more narcissistic sounding lyrics which always bugs him, and their beats remind him of our Ex who abused Adam the most out of all of us.

Anyway, down to the question of the day for Sora and I 🙂

Whats in your bag AKA if you had a bag, what would you put in it?

Sora: I like the idea of carrying a bag. Maybe a cute printed one that is both big enough to hold lots of stuff, but small enough to be able to get stuff out of it. I would like a bag that is cloth. I would probably have lots of pens and pencils. An iPad PRO with keyboard and the fancy pen (if I had one). That or a small laptop type of thing. I would like to have my cell phone, some earbuds, a charger and charger port (wall and car). A notebook. A real book. My water bottle. Some candy or munchies. A hat and extra shirt maybe if there was room. I can imagine myself going to coffee shops and drawing. I would also like to go to public parks.

That’s what I would like in my bag if I had one.

Roo: I can list what we usually have in our bag when we carry one. Cell, earbuds, charger cord (sometimes the wall block too if we’re going far), a small notebook, our multi-color pen, a black ink pen, our wallet, a stim toy or stuffed animal, and an extra hair tie.

If I could fill my bag with whatever (and have a nice new bag to fill). I would want a nice leather one that would be on the bigger side. I’d want a camera/DSLR (if I had one), my basic things I already carry, a small laptop/tablet with a keyboard, some food, my water bottle, a sweatshirt. That’s probably it though.

Some others might want to join us in answering questions, but no promises!

I always want to say that I’m going to start posting poetry (probably) on my poetry blog roosinclairpoetry.wordpress.com so give that a follow if you haven’t and you like poetry!

Thanks all for reading!!

~ Roo & Sora

 

Sora & Roo’s Daily Journal

[For 6/14/17]

In an effort to find ways for Sora to get to know himself, and for us to find constructive ways of hanging out I asked him if he wanted to do some kind of (mostly) everyday blog post where we answer journal prompts or something similar. I would like them to also include a description of our day just to document our life since we don’t remember crap! I also think it would be cool to follow the journey of a system mate coming to terms with The Real World™.

Prompt: Ten things you love about summer:

Sora: I don’t remember a lot of summers. But if I had to pick some things I love about it I would have to go with the following. I love that you can sit outside under the warm sunshine and hang out with a dog. I love that the grass is so green. I love swimming. I love cold showers which I’m only able to take in the summer. I love the blue sky and clouds. Summer rain storms. Ice cream shops. Swinging. Shorts and tee shirts.

But I think I’m stealing them from other people.

Roo: My favorite things about summer are mostly things I’ve experienced in the last year and a half that I’ve been back from being dormant & able to be myself! Here is my list:

  • S’mores Ice Cream: I get this at this really great ice cream place down by Home Depot. Also, Friendly’s came out with a limited edition s’mores flavor last year and I was super excited to see it back on the shelves. They are both different, and equally great.
  • The car window being down. Last year we had a different car, and it didn’t have A/C until about June. That car was a gas hog so we really didn’t run the A/C unless we were parked some where. Our current car doesn’t have A/C and there is no end in site for when we may get it (its a bigger problem than in our old car) BUT having the window down is so nice in the summer anyway.
  • Being warm! I hate being cold (though I love sweatshirts) and even though the heat is killer I love being warm.
  • My sister being home. We go on lots of adventures! Even though her summer program has longer days that regular school.
  • The photo opportunities. Which are good in winter too, but summer has such good light!
  • Seeing animals out. Wild or otherwise. So many birds!
  • Longer days. I’m so afraid of the dark but it doesn’t get dark until 9pm so I’m good!
  • Sandles. Need I say more?
  • Tourist in my town. They’re very rich and it’s always funny to pick on them to make myself feel better that even though I’m broke at least I’m not wearing a sweater tied around my neck.
  • The clear skies at night!

That’s all for now! Thanks for reading!

~ Roo & Sora

Spending Time Together

Last night I kind of had a magical experience. It’s weird when your partners and you share a body, there isn’t a lot of moments to spend with one another. It’s harder for us to focus on each other when we know any moment we might get called away to do something.

It’s weird when your partners and you share a body, there isn’t a lot of moments to spend with one another. It’s harder for us to focus on each other when we know any moment we might get called away to do something.

We spend most of our time together either in the car (while not driving of course) or right before bed. Before we go to sleep is when we get the most time to spend with one another.

Then we come with the problem of figuring out what to do with each other. It can get kind of boring just sitting around with nothing to talk about.

Kenny and Renau kind of had this little breakthrough, but it was Kenny who started it. Back before we knew we were a system, we would tell stories using the characters we used to identify has. They would play out in our mind and I guess this is how we learned about spending time with each other.

Now that we know we’re parts in a system, we feel like it would be weird to tell stories with each other, but we’ve found something that works for now. Putting ourselves into real life situations that we been through and telling a story about what would happen if we had been there in our own bodies.

It’s kind of fun in a way! We have something to talk about and something that we can do and it gives us time to spend together.

How do you all spend time with one another?

~ Roo

Kid’s Dreams and Trauma

We’ve been really tired lately. It might be depression, or it might be something to do with our iron levels (probably both honestly). We try not to nap, but sometimes it just happens. Sunday we napped for a while, Kenny was fronting and had already had nightmares the night before.
Kenny must have slipped into one of the kiddo’s dreams. It was traumatic, to say the least. This must have also been the reason why this particular kiddo has also had a problem sleeping. I’m not going to describe it, I feel like it would not only bring the blog down but it would also be unnecessarily re-traumatizing for this kiddo.

I should describe this kiddo a little bit.

His name is Chance, we found him in front of the main door to the terrarium back when we lived there. He cannot walk, and the one time he accidentally fronted we couldn’t move our legs until Zack managed to take front back. He’s around four years old, maybe a little younger depending on the situation. He is bonded to Adam mostly but is also bonded to myself (Roo) and Joji. He has a great personality, very sweet. He loves dinosaurs (like most of the kiddos seem to right now).

When we figured out it was him who had the dream, Kenny and I checked up on him. I’ve kept a close eye on him since then (I’m writing this on Monday night). He slept in bed with me, Adam, and Joji last night per his request.

I was able to talk to our therapist today (or well listen in while Lolly talked) and I’d like to share the advice she gave us. Most of it is stuff we have already done with him (and the other kiddos).

She said to offer him more care and be gentle with him. He’s been trying to be closer to whoever is fronting since I’ve been fronting it’s been nice to hang out with him. Our T talks about giving ‘loving eyes’ which is where we make eye contact (usually in headworld) with the kiddo (or another adult) in question and try to push loving thoughts into the front of our mind.

We do this with the babies a lot, just because we think their trauma is more based on neglect. It seems to work well, we usually do this while giving them a bottle since that’s like double care.

In general, we really try to push the care and love onto one another. We have always gotten our love and affection from one another which I guess is a depressing concept in general.

Honestly, I can’t think of any ‘family’ in this system that doesn’t really enjoy spending time with their kiddos. I know that while they were coming around it was pretty stressful, but now that they have all settled it’s quite great to have them.

Working through their trauma will be hard. My therapist and I both agree that we don’t want to push it too quickly, my therapist is even weary of having us adults do trauma work right now. I want more time with the kiddos before we work on anything. I want to enjoy them and get to know them.

All of the kids are friendly with each other (so far) and all are loved by every one of us main guys.

I knew that it was a possibility that they hold trauma, I just didn’t think it would be that severe.

~ Roo

Rebuilding Inner World: Update One

Working on our inner world has come to a standstill at the moment, as we’ve been super-extra busy with our sister, appointments, and life in general. Though that doesn’t mean we haven’t worked on it.
Kenny and the building bosses (Renau and Squall) went down to the town to try and see if houses were something that could be built. Kenny just wanted to move in himself and his little family but had the invitation that anyone could come down and if we were able to form houses they could move in.

In our real life, we live in a community full of three different housing types. We copied one of them. Three stories, each story has their own apartment. We worked out that we would need four buildings. Everyone showed up after we got the first building formed, so three more buildings went up.

Inside they are mostly the same since they are copies of one another to keep it simple. They surround a dirt path that forms a circle with a fountain in the middle. The top floor of Kenny’s building is home to our current hang-out spot.

They have been a great change since our old homes were starting to feel cramped. We have a map drawn out of all the things we’d like to add to the town and where they would go, but we are giving ourselves a break to work on other stuff.

~ Roo

Personality Boxes and Breaking Free. 

Kind of an odd title. This is going to be about ‘fandom’ stuff and how it has effected us. This can give you a little more insight into how we got into fandom and how it has hindered our healing. I will warn you that the beginning is triggering! 

Last Saturday we were out with our mom grocery shopping. Saturday is the one day our sister is at her fathers for the entire day so my mom and I use that day to relax and have a minimal stress kind of day. 

We had been sitting in a Walmart parking lot for about 45 minutes when our mom wanted us to go inside so she could call her ‘friend’. Reluctantly we went inside to sit and find something to do. One thing we do is look at posters, because every month we think we’ll buy one but we never do. 

They had a poster that was from 2006 when the game a large chunk of us took our identity from. Something had happened earlier that day, but I can’t remember it now, so we were already in a bad mood. I say in the medium post I linked above that we are generally okay with seeing pictures, but apparently we are not anymore. I’ll explain more down below. 

We were pretty affected all that night (something else also happened which took the ‘bad’ spot). It’s put us in a pretty foul mood that we haven’t been able to pin point. Last night I kind of figured it out that I’m having problems with seeing the poster, and I’m also holding the problems that other people may be having. 

I brought this up with our therapist today, because it felt like something I should talk about to try and get off my chest. I kind of rambled along nervously because I had never really tried to explain this to someone. The only other time is in the post I link above. 

Here’s what my therapist and I brainstormed. 

  • Finding out that we are actually real, and allowed to have our own feelings/thoughts/likes/dislikes/etc has been hard for us. Fandom allowed us to just be in a box where we were only that character and nothing else.
  • Finding out that we are born of trauma and that most of us have gone through our own trauma is in a way retraumatizing. Having to accept that we’ve come here from pain isn’t fun.
  • Feeling like we’ve lost our sense of self and having to have something other than ‘the box’ we used to fit in. It’s hard finding out who you are, it takes time. We don’t have a lot of time to do that, and we don’t even know we’re to start. 
  • Not wanting to go back into ‘the box’ vs. wanting to stay in the box. Once we come out of ‘the box’ and accept that it’s scary the idea of being put back into ‘the box’ even if we do it ourselves. Some of us just want to stay in ‘the box’ because it’s all we’ve known. 

Working on finding yourself when we already have so much going on seems impossible. The people who still need to work on this are afraid to take any time away from us regular fronters, and they don’t know what to do anyway. 

All we can do is try to communicate with one another in an attempt to move forward.

Have a nice night all.

– Roo

Fear and Kid Parts

This is something new we’ve been dealing with. I say new, but these kids have been around the longest in this system (aside from Adam, Elijah and Kenny). They’ve always been behind a barrier because a) we never saw kids or thought about them before getting diagnosed and b) we didn’t think it was something we had after getting diagnosed. Though we also thought there was only 7 of us, and that turned out to be wrong. 

We try to be respectful to the kiddos. Out therapist says that taking care of the kids(and everyone else really) can be very healing. That and we love them! Why wouldn’t we want to respect them? They get scared pretty easily, and since we feel what they feel usually it’s been hard.

They’ve been more open and around more, so we’ve tried to help ease them into stuff and also give them incentives. 

The fear and general nervousness is also common among other newbies. Sora for example has been fairly fearful. 

We got the idea from somewhere to have a point system for doing things that can seem hard or that bring up fear. Even if the fear is random, they’ll get a point.

Of course any adult system mate can earn points too. 

Who ever gets the most points at the end of the week gets an under $5 reward. If an adult gets the most points per week than there will be a child runner up too. At the beginning of the month who ever had the most points the past month gets an under $10 reward (again if an adult wins then there is a child runner up). 

I feel like this might work has a good incentive to broaden the spectrum of people who front. It also gives the kiddos a reason to hang around us some more and get used to some of the more fearful things. 

If this sounds like a good idea for you all feel free to take it and work it into your own system. 

Do you have any systems in place to help deal with fear?

– Roo 

Relationships 

Things are weird for us when it comes to relating to people. Online is usually fine, because we don’t have to see the other person and if we need to not respond we can. Real life it’s nearly impossible, even when just texting. We always feel so awkward and always have to push the conversations focus onto the other person.

Inside our system it’s a little easier, but as of late we’ve noticed everyone kind of has Kenny has a common point, except when they’re partners. Like a lot of us have never been alone with each other, and since the majority of us are new to the idea of being a system a lot of us haven’t been alone with themselves. 

It’s hard getting to know someone while they’re getting to know themselves and I know the person I’m talking about here and listening/watching and I want him to know that I’m not writing this to mock him. 

Other than romantic partners, we have family members. Mostly brothers/siblings. Cloud, Sora, and I are all brothers. Kenny, Deirdre, and Levi are brothers. Elijah and Riku. Ren and Adam. I think that’s it really. 

Sora is one of the parts who is new to being a system. Everything is new to him, fronting, having free will, etc. He’s been having kind of a hard time finding himself and has had a rocky start since he came around. I won’t get into our system drama, but he’s only now starting to settle into just relaxing and trying to be himself. 

I’ve been trying to help him, because my start in this system was just… awful. So, I feel for him that and I love him! He’s my brother! 

Thinking back to the time before we knew we were a system shows that we’ve never spent any time with just each other. It’s always had someone else or an entire crowd. It’s not easy to feel like you love someone but you know nothing about them. Even with Cloud I feel like we haven’t spent any time with just each other or just the three of us. Either Kenny is with us, or it’s a group all hanging out. A lot of people have this problem, Kenny is like the glue that holds all our relationships together. Kenny is the common factor. 

That’s besides the point right now. Now I want to focus on getting to know Sora and him getting to know himself. I also want this blog to be posted on by more than just me, Ken, Cloud, or Adam. I’m opening it up to be posted on about stuff other than DID and trauma stuff. 

Anyway I just needed to rant I guess.

Have a nice night!

– Roo

A ramble.

I’m going to try and stick on a weekly schedule, even if it means finding prompts to write about when I don’t have ideas! 

I’ve been working on doing a longer about section with a picture each part feels represents them and a little blurb. I should have this done with in the week!

We’ve been a bit of a mess trying to figure out a way to get Kenny to not front. He’s been out so much, just hanging around Ren and the kids that we’ve all kind of turned into a big blurred mess. It’s really awful having to try and untangle ourselves.

It’s Roo right now, and I’ve been trying really hard to be me but I can seem to feel comfortable in the body. I’ve been trying all day. Adam isn’t doing super well and it makes me sad.

I’m doing napowrimo (national pottery writing month) and I wrote a poem about today about his facial scars. He has two scars across his cheeks from internal self harm. Think the joker from batman. I think I made him self conscious to be honest… 

If you’d like like to read my poetry it is here

I might write another blog post this week for my weekly scheduled post. I’m going to try and figure out what day I want to do it this week. There will still be random blog posts peppered when ever things come up! I will just try and get one post out per week!

Thank you guys so much! 

– Roo

Roo’s Poems: 

Untitled Journey 1.1

In the end of my dreams

the sky turns cream 

the heavens open up

my arms open wide,

blood bleeding down to my side 

It’s too hard to stand up

An angel comes to help

when they touch me I yelp

My skin seizes tight 

Please help me I cry

please save me, don’t let me die

I yell with all my might 

Light fills my eyes 

My brain finally feels wise

My heart, my soul

My feet land on solid ground 

My eyes open and I look around 

It’s my restart, I feel whole 

About:

This poem may sound like it has religious meaning, but I am not a very religious person. I like the visual representation of heaven in the stereotypical Christian way. A lot of my abuse was centered around religion. Especially the abuse I took. 

Also I know you aren’t supposed to explain poems but I didn’t explain it I just wanted to clarify.

Roo