Long time no post

We've been going through a really rough time lately. It seems to just be holding onto us, but changing what makes us feel it.

We had ideation for the first time and a long time, and we got close. Really way too close. Abandonment and a fight with our mom over money, raw feelings. Everything was messy. That brought out wanting to just be with each other, because only we feel like we don't abandon each other.

That brought the depression.

We felt a little bit better this past week, but our T was off or something? She seemed to ignore one thing we said that we wanted to talk about and we moved onto doing some hard core EMDR. That made us sleepy, I think we slept for 20 hours a day for three days.

We haven't been doing too well to say the least.

Things seem to be getting better, but tomorrow we're traveling to Abuse Ville so we'll see.

Also I have a question, to try and post more I was wondering if people would be super opposed if we posted some craft stuff? Mostly paper crafts but I just wanted to put the feelers out there.

– Kenny

Daily Journal With Lolly

Sora is having a rough day, and Roo is, in turn, trying to give him time off from trying to get used to having DID. Its been rough for him honestly, I don’t know why some of us have an easier time. Like when Roo came back it was hard for him too, Zack had a rough time, Kyu did fine and so haven’t I.

I don’t know man.

Today we slept until I think like 3pm? We went to sleep last night at like 10pm so its pretty crazy.

We’ve been really out of it too, its been a rough day kind of.

Sorry this is short, I have no idea what to write about…

~Lolly

Kid Protectors and Stuff.


Before kid parts ever started to be around in this system, we had never given the idea of them any thought. With Zack finally allowing himself to be something other a dog, and finally fitting himself into the role has the first kid, it kind of changed the way we thought of things. Some of us started age sliding, though now I think it was just kid parts blurring with us to try and get some attention since it has stopped happening. Then kids just started showing up on our doorstep basically. I think the kids have all finally come out of the woodwork, though who really knows at this point.
The kids and the “newbies” are going through the same kind of thing right now, trying to find themselves and learn about who they are. There are only a few who are going through the change right now. By change, I mean getting used to the idea of this all being real and us being a system, fronting and the idea of spending time doing things they like, sharing time with others, getting to know everyone, and building up their own personality. Currently, Lolly, Zack, and Sora are going trough this. Lolly seems to be the furthest along, but there are always unexpected bumps in the road.

Zack is the first kiddo we’ve had that’s going through this. We don’t know a lot about kid parts and how to make their lives happy. We try and do things like coloring, or watching TV, we buy toys and kids books. It seemed to be working fine until the other night.

It was Thursday, we were running into Walmart to buy some stuff for our mom. We had just gotten our disability check and we usually give ourselves $10 – $15 to spend on something that isn’t food, phone card, laundry, meds, or rent. Our budget is tighter this month because last month we said we’d give our mom $50 more for rent for driving us to (almost) Canada to get our bird. No big deal, that $50 usually just loosens our food budget and gives us a couple more bucks to spend on extras.

I (Roo) took us over to toys because I wanted the kiddos to try and pick something out. We found some dinosaur figures we really liked (the Schleich ones), even though they only had two in stock. One was $13 and I say they could get it if they wanted. Zack started to get really angry and said he didn’t deserve any toys. Sharkie and Chance who were the other two kiddos out kind of just followed along and said they didn’t want anything.

We left and went to the grocery store. They have this box of balls that are sometimes in fun colors, and I promised I would let the kiddos pick out something to eat. Chance and Sharkie picked out Lucky Charms, but Zack still seemed to be in a pretty bad mood about everything. I asked him if he wanted to pick out a ball. He kind of seemed in awe that I was asking him if he wanted one. He picked out a blue one and it seemed like that was that.

Today (Saturday) we went to Target with our mom. We looked in the toy section again, and Zack got unbelievably angry. He was angry throughout the entire store and I had to go out to the car early. We went into Micheals after, and they have the Safari LTD toys there. I tried to get the kids to pick one out, only Zack and Sharkie were out at the time. We were having a hard time deciding and Zack kept getting angrier and angrier. He started to get kind of mean about stuff, so I eventually just left. He was so angry that he was crying and Squall picked him up and carried him into the decompressing room in our hang out apartment in headworld.

On the car ride home, Lolly and I started to talk about him. Lolly felt responsible in some way for Zack acting out since they seem like buddies. Lolly went in to talk to Zack about everything in the hopes of getting him to calm down and think.

It came out that Zack has been feeling bad because he couldn’t protect any of the kids from getting hurt. Chance and Zack’s close friend Jordan have some impairments from trauma. One of the newer toddlers also has some internal showings of trauma. Zack feels responsible for them and felt like he didn’t deserve toys or to even pick them out. The other kids just kind of went along with it (though they may have their own deeper reasons for it).

It was pretty obvious that he is suffering from what we call “protectors guilt”, where a protector feels like they couldnt protect anyone right, or that they’re the cause of it. Almost every one of our protective alters feels this way or has at some point. Squall bardged in on them and called a meeting for the other protectors to come in and talk to Zack. It seemed to help him a lot.

I’m hoping if anything else happens that we can have the oppertunity to work through it with our T. Though she will probably say what we’ve been doing is all that we need to do because she says everything we do is stuff she’d suggest. Then she’d ask if we wanted to let a drop of it go, or if we wanted to hold the buzzies to work through it.

~ Roo

(side note I realize we haven’t done ‘song of the day’ for a few days, we’ve been really tired and have been staying up with our sister too late to write them)

 

Fear and Kid Parts

This is something new we’ve been dealing with. I say new, but these kids have been around the longest in this system (aside from Adam, Elijah and Kenny). They’ve always been behind a barrier because a) we never saw kids or thought about them before getting diagnosed and b) we didn’t think it was something we had after getting diagnosed. Though we also thought there was only 7 of us, and that turned out to be wrong. 

We try to be respectful to the kiddos. Out therapist says that taking care of the kids(and everyone else really) can be very healing. That and we love them! Why wouldn’t we want to respect them? They get scared pretty easily, and since we feel what they feel usually it’s been hard.

They’ve been more open and around more, so we’ve tried to help ease them into stuff and also give them incentives. 

The fear and general nervousness is also common among other newbies. Sora for example has been fairly fearful. 

We got the idea from somewhere to have a point system for doing things that can seem hard or that bring up fear. Even if the fear is random, they’ll get a point.

Of course any adult system mate can earn points too. 

Who ever gets the most points at the end of the week gets an under $5 reward. If an adult gets the most points per week than there will be a child runner up too. At the beginning of the month who ever had the most points the past month gets an under $10 reward (again if an adult wins then there is a child runner up). 

I feel like this might work has a good incentive to broaden the spectrum of people who front. It also gives the kiddos a reason to hang around us some more and get used to some of the more fearful things. 

If this sounds like a good idea for you all feel free to take it and work it into your own system. 

Do you have any systems in place to help deal with fear?

– Roo 

Relationships 

Things are weird for us when it comes to relating to people. Online is usually fine, because we don’t have to see the other person and if we need to not respond we can. Real life it’s nearly impossible, even when just texting. We always feel so awkward and always have to push the conversations focus onto the other person.

Inside our system it’s a little easier, but as of late we’ve noticed everyone kind of has Kenny has a common point, except when they’re partners. Like a lot of us have never been alone with each other, and since the majority of us are new to the idea of being a system a lot of us haven’t been alone with themselves. 

It’s hard getting to know someone while they’re getting to know themselves and I know the person I’m talking about here and listening/watching and I want him to know that I’m not writing this to mock him. 

Other than romantic partners, we have family members. Mostly brothers/siblings. Cloud, Sora, and I are all brothers. Kenny, Deirdre, and Levi are brothers. Elijah and Riku. Ren and Adam. I think that’s it really. 

Sora is one of the parts who is new to being a system. Everything is new to him, fronting, having free will, etc. He’s been having kind of a hard time finding himself and has had a rocky start since he came around. I won’t get into our system drama, but he’s only now starting to settle into just relaxing and trying to be himself. 

I’ve been trying to help him, because my start in this system was just… awful. So, I feel for him that and I love him! He’s my brother! 

Thinking back to the time before we knew we were a system shows that we’ve never spent any time with just each other. It’s always had someone else or an entire crowd. It’s not easy to feel like you love someone but you know nothing about them. Even with Cloud I feel like we haven’t spent any time with just each other or just the three of us. Either Kenny is with us, or it’s a group all hanging out. A lot of people have this problem, Kenny is like the glue that holds all our relationships together. Kenny is the common factor. 

That’s besides the point right now. Now I want to focus on getting to know Sora and him getting to know himself. I also want this blog to be posted on by more than just me, Ken, Cloud, or Adam. I’m opening it up to be posted on about stuff other than DID and trauma stuff. 

Anyway I just needed to rant I guess.

Have a nice night!

– Roo

Whisps, trauma, and inner world goings on.

I have another post lined up that I wanted to write, but I’m not quite finished with it and I feel this needed to be written up today. 

I can’t remember if we’ve described what a whisp is, and frankly we don’t really know what they are either. Our therapist and I have hypothesized that they are probably parts that are fully stuck in memories or some kind of split from actual parts that are just bad memories. In head world they’re long flowing dragon like things that when black (their original color- I’ll get into that later down the post) they have no face. 

🚨 Odd Pronoun Use Ahead! 🚨

The whisps use ce/cir/cirs/cirself pronouns. 

Ce = he/she/they 
cir = him/her/them
 cirs = his/hers/theirs
 cirself = themself/themselves/himself/herself


We have a rainbow one, who is just called Rainbow. Cir is a whisp with a kind of possum-pig face and small front paws that can go into cirs body. Cirs body is a stream of colors that flows out like a comet trail has ce moves. Kind of like if you held up sheer rainbow silk and let it flow out behind you. 

Cir is the original one to make contact as a ‘color whisp’. Ce came around when Sunny was first found and have stayed present ever since. 

In therapy today we were talking about how we had tried to explore what is out old living space in head world. We’ve been trying to find a way to add more things to do in headworld just so that it isn’t always just sit-talk-sleep. 

At the moment we live in a kind of terrarium of sorts. It’s like a very large warehouse(?) that has a lake, small forest, cabins and a rec center. This is off the main hall that is the downstairs of our ‘house’. Now we,  back when it was ‘just the 9 of us'(hah), lived in the downstairs but it was a different downstairs. Then we moved upstairs which is where we lived when all the ‘newbies’ were coming around. 

The house is settled on a hill surrounded by forests. There’s a path to the right that leads down to a town. The town has a road that leads to the caves which is where we all lived initially. The town was where we all lived during high school and for a little time before and after that. 

We went back down to the town, knowing the whisps were going to be a problem. There were more problems then we expected. The whisps left us alone for the most part, which was good! When we got into town everything was destroyed. The entire town is in ruins, building are crumbling down, nothing was bright or sunny like it used to be. There were monsters roaming around trying to get our attention.

We brought this up with our therapist, because to me especially it felt like a major blow. This town was supposed to be connected to good memories. The fact that everything is in shambles means that this place has been tainted like everything else. 

Our therapist listened to us (Kyu fronting at the time) vent. Kyu is really smart, and thinks of things to help the system all the time. He had the idea of maybe giving the whisps a color other than black that would make them less scary to be around and would give them the sense that they are important and can be a part of every day life in head world. 

So we grabbed the buzzers and our therapist just let us (Rainbow, myself, Kyu, Clarence, and Levi) sit and work ourselves out with the help of bilateral stimulus. 

Every one of the whisps got a color they’re happy with, and then they started to become more defined. Rainbow stayed the same possum-pig nosed creature, but others took a some what different form that would still be easy enough for them to keep. Teal, Lilac, and Powder Pink are kind of eel-like with a betta fish face. Orange, Red+Orange, Black+White, and Yellow are all kind of koi fish like though not as much as others. Cotton Candy, and Maple/Fawn are like Rainbow. Forest Green and The Big Guy (black+white+pink) are obviously koi fish, though Forest green might be more goldfish like. 

When we were finished and I had pushed Kyu out of front we felt so much better! Tired and drained, but I could feel the sunshine in there already. I asked my therapist what we should do about the town, since it was me who came up with the idea to maybe move back there and it was me who got so upset about it being razed. 

She said that it might have to be rebuilt, like by hand. We have builders (Squall, Renau are the main guys but Sora and Marly also help out) and they’re always looking for new things to build (and maybe feeding into my bad ideas too much). They of course said they would. Ren is my hubby so he’d do anything I wanted with in reason (apparently building a town is a reasonable thing to do), Squall is just a helpful guy and also Cloud’s partner and Cloud spoils me too much. 

We had a case yesterday of a child who we found at the door to the house who was… in bad shape (that’s putting it very lightly). He poofed away before anyone could really focus on helping him (aka get over how bad of shape he was in). Today Lolly got fed up and went out to find him with Kuzu by his side. They found the kid but neither of them knew how to help him. 

Squall came to them because most protectors have some sort of “medical training” (not in real life). There was really no easy way to help this kid, and Squall had to rebuild part of his body.  Long story short he managed to rebuild the boys broken parts and now the kid is fairly healthy!

This gave me the idea, as I sat waiting for my mom to come down from a shower to watch TV, maybe we should see what the outside headworld was looking like now. The biggest problems that were keeping us from being able to rebuild it were the lack of sun and the monsters. 

I came out the door, and it’s actually bright and sunny. The monsters have formed themselves into less(?) scary forest animals which is easier to live around. The town is stil destroyed, but Ren and Squall are hopeful that they can rebuild it with some help. 

I may make this a series about inner world stuff and the progress we make. I want it to be slow so that we don’t push ourselves too far too soon. 

My therapist always says that taking care of either other system mates or the headworld in general is a form of healing ourselves with out having to relive the trauma. I agree with her 100% because it’s always worked. Putting effort into making our space better and more happy/healthy/homey/warm/etc always makes us feel better. 

If any of you bring anything out of this, my suggestion to you is that if you have a inner world/head world try and tidy it up a bit. Add some lamps/light, give people beds, cook warm food, have toys for the kiddos. I don’t know how else to explain but but doing stuff in headworld to better your relationship with your parts or bettering the space you go to to escape is healing. I’ve heard/read professionals saying that and it’s true at least for us.

Take care of yourselves! You’re all important. You matter. Your feelings/thoughts/everything are valid. 

Thanks for reading!

Kenny

A Small Update

I’ve privated my last two posts, I feel like they are just not what I want my blog to be about. I want to take this in a more positive direction while still giving good(maybe) advice. 

I’m thinking of ways I can better myself and use this blog has a platform to help others. I want to come up with some series that I will look forward to writing. 

I have some ideas 🙂 

Thanks you all! 

Adam

So this week has been kind of a nightmare. We haven’t felt this bad in a long time, but we’re keeping our hopes up because of some good news!

We’re getting a bird! 

We love birds, and almost all exotic pets. Birds are especially close to our hearts. 

We’re adopting, and are going to be meeting the birds on May 1st. we have three in mind, but everyone has already chosen their favorite of course. 

We’re adopting a cockatiel, and have done a ton of research.

Do you all have pets ? Or do you have favorite animals?

Sorry this is short!

Renau

Wednesday Update!

I was going to post another one like last week, but enough stuff has been going on that I can make a post with out a prompt. 

I think our last post was “Kid-uation” where Elijah explains what’s been going on with the kiddos and us in general.

Adam and I (Cloud) have been fronting again, I think we’re finally just ready to do it. We’re still having problems, but we’ve been handling it okay so far. 

Two more kids have shown up. Both of them are as bad as the last boy who joined Ken’s family. One is paralyzed from the waist down and one is blind. I don’t know if that’s a normal thing to have disabled alters,  but we have them. 

The blind kid is attached to me, and the other kiddo is attached to Adam. They are very sweet. 

We built a area for people to front and have fun with the kids with all of them around. We haven’t used it yet but I feel like it could come in handy.

Do any of you have disabled alters? 

We have been pretty busy these past three days, but the hardest part of the week is over!

Thanks all – Cloud

A ramble.

I’m going to try and stick on a weekly schedule, even if it means finding prompts to write about when I don’t have ideas! 

I’ve been working on doing a longer about section with a picture each part feels represents them and a little blurb. I should have this done with in the week!

We’ve been a bit of a mess trying to figure out a way to get Kenny to not front. He’s been out so much, just hanging around Ren and the kids that we’ve all kind of turned into a big blurred mess. It’s really awful having to try and untangle ourselves.

It’s Roo right now, and I’ve been trying really hard to be me but I can seem to feel comfortable in the body. I’ve been trying all day. Adam isn’t doing super well and it makes me sad.

I’m doing napowrimo (national pottery writing month) and I wrote a poem about today about his facial scars. He has two scars across his cheeks from internal self harm. Think the joker from batman. I think I made him self conscious to be honest… 

If you’d like like to read my poetry it is here

I might write another blog post this week for my weekly scheduled post. I’m going to try and figure out what day I want to do it this week. There will still be random blog posts peppered when ever things come up! I will just try and get one post out per week!

Thank you guys so much! 

– Roo