Protecting The Protectors.

In my system, protectors will sometimes front on their own, for no reason other than just to front. They’re alters too, so of course, they’d like fronting sometimes. It’s always very funny when they do unless they’re forced to the front for a situation that needs them, they tend to be a little scared of things? I’m not sure if that explains it quite well enough.

Jumpy! They’re so hypervigilant about everything that they get nervous about simple things. Of course, though they try to still act tough, you can feel our heart rate rise in situations it normally wouldn’t if it was just a regular fronter doing it.

We went into Micheals (a craft store in the USA). Joji and Elijah both were fronting with me (Kenny), we went in to pick out some sort of craft to keep ourselves busy. Joji and Elijah are both very big into crafting. Joji sews most things in headworld. Elijah likes to knit and scrapbook.

I figured it would be the perfect place to take them. It was kind of great really, they were very nervous. They acted like I was going to do something, or that someone was going to do something to me.

That’s not what I wanted this post to be about though. I wanted to talk about protecting them.

First I think I should define “protecting” and what it means to me and the rest of my system.

To protect someone in my system, it doesn’t mean actively keeping them from danger- though that was a big part of it at one point. It still can be at times, but once we realized that we are all in the same body and have learned our bodies limitations, we know that they cannot protect us in all the ways they would like to.

Some of the time their protecting comes in the form of doing things that they deem too hard for anyone of us regulars to do. That could be going to doctors appointments, acting in cases of emergency, going to triggering places.

Usually, they do emotional care and internal supporting. It can be calming their protectee down from a flashback or panic attack or helping them work through an emotional moment even cleaning up after self-harm. They are the ones who provide us the love and the care that we don’t get from outside sources.

That is their main job, providing love and care.

But who ‘protects’ them? Who provides them with love and care that they so badly need.

Simple! Us protectee’s do.

I should explain something else to provide a little more context. There are two levels of ‘protector’, mains and lessers. There can be a lot of blurring between the two of them. Though the defining characteristic of a lesser protector is that they themselves have a main who protects them. The blurring happens mainly in their actions, and it way too complicated to get into in one post!

The mains are; Joji (who is the head protector), Elijah, Squall, Kuzu, Duck, and Clarence. Our lesser protectors are; Renau, Adam, Kyu, and Cat. We are still figuring out if there are any kiddos who are protectors but Zack has a lot of the same characteristics of a main protector.

Back to my main point! It’s very obvious that the protectors look at their protectees has cute little bunnies/puppies who can do no wrong. They find it funny whenever we try to act tough. We worry about them a lot though. The protectors have been through some stuff. I’ll talk about Elijah more because he is my (and Ren’s) protector. Elijah is also the oldest main protector, meaning he has been around since we were very young.

Elijah sometimes has these moments of extreme guilt. He feels like he didn’t protect me the right way, or that he has caused some of my trauma because of things we used to do in headworld when we were very young.

He gets these thoughts that he is an abuser or an introject of our abuser. He 100% isn’t, and is getting better at accepting it. Our therapist on Monday helped us explain to Zack the difference in size between us and our abuser at the times when the abuse was happening. Lolly and I dragged Elijah to watch it too, hoping that he would get the message too.

In these moments of great sadness, Elijah will usually need someone to help him. He will sometimes go to another protector but he usually saves that as a last resort. I feel like Elijah and I are very close, we’ve been through so much together. I always feel somewhat responsible for the abuse he has endured.

I try and give him emotional support whenever I can, and usually, we support each other at the same time. Kind of leaning on one another even though we’re both falling down. We weren’t through a time where we were both going through flashbacks that were basically the same. He was strong, but we had to hold each other to get through that month. We also really depended on Renau for help, and he did great really.

I’ve talked a lot of personal stuff in this post, but I want to talk about how important it is to take care of everyone in your system. The way to heal isn’t by fighting each other until you all go dormant and have blocks between each other. Trying to take care of one another, even if integration is your end goal, is taking care of yourself.

I have different views about who my parts are, and how they got into my body (trauma is obviously the reason they’re here), but from a clinical point of view, your parts are part of you. It’s no use fighting yourself or ignoring parts in the hopes that they’ll go away.

The key thing I try to remember is that we are all abuse survivors at the end of the day. Try and give your parts they same kind of care you’d offer any other abused person.

Protecting your protectors is important. They can’t do a good job of protecting you (no matter what that means for you) if they’re emotionally compromised.

Thanks for reading! I know I cover this basic idea a lot.

~ Kenny

Kid’s Dreams and Trauma

We’ve been really tired lately. It might be depression, or it might be something to do with our iron levels (probably both honestly). We try not to nap, but sometimes it just happens. Sunday we napped for a while, Kenny was fronting and had already had nightmares the night before.
Kenny must have slipped into one of the kiddo’s dreams. It was traumatic, to say the least. This must have also been the reason why this particular kiddo has also had a problem sleeping. I’m not going to describe it, I feel like it would not only bring the blog down but it would also be unnecessarily re-traumatizing for this kiddo.

I should describe this kiddo a little bit.

His name is Chance, we found him in front of the main door to the terrarium back when we lived there. He cannot walk, and the one time he accidentally fronted we couldn’t move our legs until Zack managed to take front back. He’s around four years old, maybe a little younger depending on the situation. He is bonded to Adam mostly but is also bonded to myself (Roo) and Joji. He has a great personality, very sweet. He loves dinosaurs (like most of the kiddos seem to right now).

When we figured out it was him who had the dream, Kenny and I checked up on him. I’ve kept a close eye on him since then (I’m writing this on Monday night). He slept in bed with me, Adam, and Joji last night per his request.

I was able to talk to our therapist today (or well listen in while Lolly talked) and I’d like to share the advice she gave us. Most of it is stuff we have already done with him (and the other kiddos).

She said to offer him more care and be gentle with him. He’s been trying to be closer to whoever is fronting since I’ve been fronting it’s been nice to hang out with him. Our T talks about giving ‘loving eyes’ which is where we make eye contact (usually in headworld) with the kiddo (or another adult) in question and try to push loving thoughts into the front of our mind.

We do this with the babies a lot, just because we think their trauma is more based on neglect. It seems to work well, we usually do this while giving them a bottle since that’s like double care.

In general, we really try to push the care and love onto one another. We have always gotten our love and affection from one another which I guess is a depressing concept in general.

Honestly, I can’t think of any ‘family’ in this system that doesn’t really enjoy spending time with their kiddos. I know that while they were coming around it was pretty stressful, but now that they have all settled it’s quite great to have them.

Working through their trauma will be hard. My therapist and I both agree that we don’t want to push it too quickly, my therapist is even weary of having us adults do trauma work right now. I want more time with the kiddos before we work on anything. I want to enjoy them and get to know them.

All of the kids are friendly with each other (so far) and all are loved by every one of us main guys.

I knew that it was a possibility that they hold trauma, I just didn’t think it would be that severe.

~ Roo

Things I’ve Learned Since Getting Diagnosed.

I thought this might be a good idea, especially since I can add to it (or revise it) as I learn more. Also not to toot my own horn or anything but if this is helpful to anyone and you want to share it, feel free to! (But you really don’t have to.)
I also want to note that for two years after getting diagnosed I didn’t have therapy. I had a few sessions while I was still in a group home, but the therapist there was mostly absent. A lot of this has been learned on my own so take this with a grain of salt.

  • Everyone has different ways of handling their system and no one way is better than another. This one was hard to get a hang of. When I was first diagnosed I was a sponge soaking in all the information. It was both helpful and hindering because I thought that I had to follow some set way. After months of coming downstairs and ranting at my mom about how this thing or that made me so mad and didn’t fit what I wanted, I figured out that maybe I should just not care about what other people say.
  • Treat your parts nicely and things go smoother. That’s not to say that everything will always be calm and nice, but working as a team helps a ton. Relationships between parts are built slowly, just like real life relationships. I’m lucky, a lot of us already had a connection and the few of us who were talking when we were diagnosed were already close. Even now though, since most everyone had come back (I think???) it still feels awkward between some of us. Kind of like, hey you’re here and so am I but we don’t ever talk. It takes time, but don’t give up.
  • Remember that you are all abuse survivors. This one can be hard. Kids can be annoying with crying and whining, teens can be too outgoing, protectors can be scary and sometimes mean. Sometimes you just don’t want to be surrounded by all these people! The noise gets to be too much, there are too many needs that are all over the map. It can be wild. Still, you’ve all been through some horrible stuff. Just think about that next time a kid part wants to buy that $10 stuffed animal.
  • Sometimes switches just happen. You can really never know if you’re going to randomly switch for no reason. That being said, some systems switch more than others (or some less than others). We switch at least 3 times a day. More if someone who “shouldn’t be out” is fronting. It can be exhausting, but for some (like us) not switching can also be exhausting.
  • You can ask for some alone time. You might not get it, but you can always ask. Going to the bathroom and don’t want someone talking to you? Want to watch a video without someone talking over it? Just ask. Setting boundaries with your parts can be good.
  • Kid parts are developmentally kids. Don’t let them out unsupervised, don’t let them use the internet alone. Things you wouldn’t let a real child do, don’t let a kid part do either.
  • A good therapist is KEY. There is only so much you can do on your own. You can take the advice of blogs and books all you want, but that’s not finding a way to re-box the trauma into better places so it isn’t breathing down your neck all the time.
  • Find/build a support network. It can be blogs, twitters, facebooks, in real life people. Just find people you can talk to. Find people who are open to DID or who have DID. Don’t try and stick with people who don’t understand and who never will.
  • Remember self-care. Basic stuff like eating, sleeping, cleaning yourself and your house. Get that down first, then move on to setting up times to read a book or paint your nails.
  • Write things down! I’m still so bad at this, but it is so helpful when I do it. Even if I never look at the paper again, writing it down is so helpful to set it a bit better into your brain so it doesn’t fall out and go where ever all the stuff we forget goes.
  • Stuff that helps people with Traumatic Brain Injuries can be helpful for DID systems. I don’t know how it is from a medical standpoint, but my mom has a TBI and she’s given me advice for the memory problems. They do help, but your mileage may vary.
  • Healthy habits help. That’s a big one for memory stuff. If you form a habit it makes it so much easier to remember for everyone in your system. Stick with something for long enough and it will stick there.
  • Flashback Advice: (I don’t have a funky pulling in sentence.) Scent can help pull someone from a flashback. Find one you really like and keep it with you or where you have the most flashbacks. Candles (be careful if you light it), essential oils (put a little on a cotton ball and keep it in something, they can be overwhelming right from the bottle), body lotion or oils (my personal favorite). A cold shock like holding or sucking on an ice cube, a cold bath, grabbing (or even going outside in) some snow. Be careful though, don’t stay in a cold bath too long (you can get sick) and if you go outside make sure someone knows in case you wander off. Heat like a heating blanket or pad, make sure they have a timer and are controlled so they don’t hurt you. I warn that a hot bath or something like that would be too dangerous. If you can’t feel the temperature you could burn yourself and seriously hurt yourself. Cold is better than heat! 
  • Get enough fresh air. Going and sitting outside in summer, going for a walk, even just standing in your doorway for a few minutes can help ease any struggles. Open a window if you don’t think you can go outside. Sitting in a stuffy room always makes me feel worse.
  • When you work up to it, get a pet. I’ve always had animals, and I usually find taking care of them helps me a lot. Don’t get a pet if you don’t think you can handle to remember one (forming self-care habits is one way to prepare). Make sure to do research, don’t just put a fish in a bowl or a bird in a round cage. Make sure it’s something your entire system wants and will help with. Having a pet helps if you live alone too.
  • Have an area to decompress. Whether it’s a blanket fort, or just your bedroom finding a place you can make your own and that is quiet and peaceful can be a great help.

This is the list so far. If you have any suggestions leave them down in the comments!

Thanks, all.

~ Kenny & Roo

Rebuilding Inner World: Update One

Working on our inner world has come to a standstill at the moment, as we’ve been super-extra busy with our sister, appointments, and life in general. Though that doesn’t mean we haven’t worked on it.
Kenny and the building bosses (Renau and Squall) went down to the town to try and see if houses were something that could be built. Kenny just wanted to move in himself and his little family but had the invitation that anyone could come down and if we were able to form houses they could move in.

In our real life, we live in a community full of three different housing types. We copied one of them. Three stories, each story has their own apartment. We worked out that we would need four buildings. Everyone showed up after we got the first building formed, so three more buildings went up.

Inside they are mostly the same since they are copies of one another to keep it simple. They surround a dirt path that forms a circle with a fountain in the middle. The top floor of Kenny’s building is home to our current hang-out spot.

They have been a great change since our old homes were starting to feel cramped. We have a map drawn out of all the things we’d like to add to the town and where they would go, but we are giving ourselves a break to work on other stuff.

~ Roo

Kid Protectors and Stuff.


Before kid parts ever started to be around in this system, we had never given the idea of them any thought. With Zack finally allowing himself to be something other a dog, and finally fitting himself into the role has the first kid, it kind of changed the way we thought of things. Some of us started age sliding, though now I think it was just kid parts blurring with us to try and get some attention since it has stopped happening. Then kids just started showing up on our doorstep basically. I think the kids have all finally come out of the woodwork, though who really knows at this point.
The kids and the “newbies” are going through the same kind of thing right now, trying to find themselves and learn about who they are. There are only a few who are going through the change right now. By change, I mean getting used to the idea of this all being real and us being a system, fronting and the idea of spending time doing things they like, sharing time with others, getting to know everyone, and building up their own personality. Currently, Lolly, Zack, and Sora are going trough this. Lolly seems to be the furthest along, but there are always unexpected bumps in the road.

Zack is the first kiddo we’ve had that’s going through this. We don’t know a lot about kid parts and how to make their lives happy. We try and do things like coloring, or watching TV, we buy toys and kids books. It seemed to be working fine until the other night.

It was Thursday, we were running into Walmart to buy some stuff for our mom. We had just gotten our disability check and we usually give ourselves $10 – $15 to spend on something that isn’t food, phone card, laundry, meds, or rent. Our budget is tighter this month because last month we said we’d give our mom $50 more for rent for driving us to (almost) Canada to get our bird. No big deal, that $50 usually just loosens our food budget and gives us a couple more bucks to spend on extras.

I (Roo) took us over to toys because I wanted the kiddos to try and pick something out. We found some dinosaur figures we really liked (the Schleich ones), even though they only had two in stock. One was $13 and I say they could get it if they wanted. Zack started to get really angry and said he didn’t deserve any toys. Sharkie and Chance who were the other two kiddos out kind of just followed along and said they didn’t want anything.

We left and went to the grocery store. They have this box of balls that are sometimes in fun colors, and I promised I would let the kiddos pick out something to eat. Chance and Sharkie picked out Lucky Charms, but Zack still seemed to be in a pretty bad mood about everything. I asked him if he wanted to pick out a ball. He kind of seemed in awe that I was asking him if he wanted one. He picked out a blue one and it seemed like that was that.

Today (Saturday) we went to Target with our mom. We looked in the toy section again, and Zack got unbelievably angry. He was angry throughout the entire store and I had to go out to the car early. We went into Micheals after, and they have the Safari LTD toys there. I tried to get the kids to pick one out, only Zack and Sharkie were out at the time. We were having a hard time deciding and Zack kept getting angrier and angrier. He started to get kind of mean about stuff, so I eventually just left. He was so angry that he was crying and Squall picked him up and carried him into the decompressing room in our hang out apartment in headworld.

On the car ride home, Lolly and I started to talk about him. Lolly felt responsible in some way for Zack acting out since they seem like buddies. Lolly went in to talk to Zack about everything in the hopes of getting him to calm down and think.

It came out that Zack has been feeling bad because he couldn’t protect any of the kids from getting hurt. Chance and Zack’s close friend Jordan have some impairments from trauma. One of the newer toddlers also has some internal showings of trauma. Zack feels responsible for them and felt like he didn’t deserve toys or to even pick them out. The other kids just kind of went along with it (though they may have their own deeper reasons for it).

It was pretty obvious that he is suffering from what we call “protectors guilt”, where a protector feels like they couldnt protect anyone right, or that they’re the cause of it. Almost every one of our protective alters feels this way or has at some point. Squall bardged in on them and called a meeting for the other protectors to come in and talk to Zack. It seemed to help him a lot.

I’m hoping if anything else happens that we can have the oppertunity to work through it with our T. Though she will probably say what we’ve been doing is all that we need to do because she says everything we do is stuff she’d suggest. Then she’d ask if we wanted to let a drop of it go, or if we wanted to hold the buzzies to work through it.

~ Roo

(side note I realize we haven’t done ‘song of the day’ for a few days, we’ve been really tired and have been staying up with our sister too late to write them)

 

Personality Boxes and Breaking Free. 

Kind of an odd title. This is going to be about ‘fandom’ stuff and how it has effected us. This can give you a little more insight into how we got into fandom and how it has hindered our healing. I will warn you that the beginning is triggering! 

Last Saturday we were out with our mom grocery shopping. Saturday is the one day our sister is at her fathers for the entire day so my mom and I use that day to relax and have a minimal stress kind of day. 

We had been sitting in a Walmart parking lot for about 45 minutes when our mom wanted us to go inside so she could call her ‘friend’. Reluctantly we went inside to sit and find something to do. One thing we do is look at posters, because every month we think we’ll buy one but we never do. 

They had a poster that was from 2006 when the game a large chunk of us took our identity from. Something had happened earlier that day, but I can’t remember it now, so we were already in a bad mood. I say in the medium post I linked above that we are generally okay with seeing pictures, but apparently we are not anymore. I’ll explain more down below. 

We were pretty affected all that night (something else also happened which took the ‘bad’ spot). It’s put us in a pretty foul mood that we haven’t been able to pin point. Last night I kind of figured it out that I’m having problems with seeing the poster, and I’m also holding the problems that other people may be having. 

I brought this up with our therapist today, because it felt like something I should talk about to try and get off my chest. I kind of rambled along nervously because I had never really tried to explain this to someone. The only other time is in the post I link above. 

Here’s what my therapist and I brainstormed. 

  • Finding out that we are actually real, and allowed to have our own feelings/thoughts/likes/dislikes/etc has been hard for us. Fandom allowed us to just be in a box where we were only that character and nothing else.
  • Finding out that we are born of trauma and that most of us have gone through our own trauma is in a way retraumatizing. Having to accept that we’ve come here from pain isn’t fun.
  • Feeling like we’ve lost our sense of self and having to have something other than ‘the box’ we used to fit in. It’s hard finding out who you are, it takes time. We don’t have a lot of time to do that, and we don’t even know we’re to start. 
  • Not wanting to go back into ‘the box’ vs. wanting to stay in the box. Once we come out of ‘the box’ and accept that it’s scary the idea of being put back into ‘the box’ even if we do it ourselves. Some of us just want to stay in ‘the box’ because it’s all we’ve known. 

Working on finding yourself when we already have so much going on seems impossible. The people who still need to work on this are afraid to take any time away from us regular fronters, and they don’t know what to do anyway. 

All we can do is try to communicate with one another in an attempt to move forward.

Have a nice night all.

– Roo

Musing On Romance and Other Silliness.

I think back to when I was around 12 years-old and I had just gotten into reading YA books. I was also just getting into writing at that time as well. 

I remember my stepdad and I were driving down a dirt road around where we lived at the time. I may have been running errands with him, but around that age I hung out with him a lot. 

We got on the topic of what I had been reading, and I started to complain to him that I didn’t like that all my books revolved around romance. It was boring to me, it didn’t work with any of the stories. 

This was around the time Twilight (the movie) came out. Before this conversation I had seen the movie and wanted to read the books because I was a tween/teenaged girl and there was nothing better to me than fitting in with my borderline abusive classmates. 

I read the first book in one night, I stayed up all night to finish it (this was also around the time my insomnia was starting to rear it’s ugly head). The next night I read the next one and so on and so forth. I ended up reading them all within five or six days. 

There was more YA supernatural books at Walmart, so I bought them all (over a period of time) and read them. This lead to the conversation with my stepdad. 

“Why are all books romances?” I asked him. 

He told me that not all of them were and that I’d find some I would like that werent romance based.

As I slowly devoured the Borders book store that was in the closest shopping town my mom and I went to every weekend, I got more and more irritated by it. I didn’t want romance! Why couldn’t the boy and girl just be friends? Why couldn’t they just go through something hard and be close friends? 

Kissing especially made me mad. It was always at such a random point in the book, like it was shoehorned in there last minute just to fit the genera better. They would share all these great experiences and with no hint at romance (that I could see anyway) and then boom, end of book two (or one) there was a kissing cliffhanger. 

I moved onto Manga after that, because I figured that if they were romantic that they would be more up front about it. The pictures probably also helped me see the subtle hints the author was trying to convey. 

The romance there was slightly better but in general I was still irritated but the amount of love that surrounded me. 

Love especially didn’t feel like that to me. Even between family memebers. My mom and stepdad always fought, my biological father abused me with no end in sight. My moms family all hated each other. The only loving relationships I had seen were not typical at all. 

Romance felt like a cheap way to get more people interested in something. 

High school came around, I was in a new school with new opportunities to make friends. Of course this also came with people doing what teens do and hooking up and romancing each other in the hallways. 

I didn’t realize I was Asexual until I was 17 and I lived in a domestic violence shelter with my mom and sister (no, my stepdad was not the cause for this). Learning about it made me not want to accept it. I was already so abnormal, why was I now not able to do the one thing nearly every thing on the planet does? 

I tried relationships, I tried long distance thinking that might be easier. It wasn’t, I was just stuck doing phone sex and pretending to enjoy myself. 

Aromanticism was something I just assumed was made up. I mean, I have pretty close relationships between my system mates. I would date, kiss, marry my partner in my system. I know others feel the same way. Why couldn’t we have that same kind of connection between us and another in real life human.

Looking back at the kind of abuse I lived through, and thinking of any other developmental issues I may have (undiagnosed of course), I realized that my interactions between myself and other in real life humans have never been normal. I am outwardly friendly, happy, kind. Inside though I really cannot stand to interact with people on a face-to-face basis.

‘Professional’ relationships I can handle. Things with my mom, sister, and stepdad are all okay to me. Anything more than that is just stressful, painful even. 

My system mates are all like me, we all know each other and are all close. We’ve been the majority of our social interaction for a very long time. It doesn’t make the pain when seeing other people connect with each other, or when a in person friend writes something on my Facebook wall and I cannot find it in my to respond. 

It’s painful being to try and pretend to be normal in a world that seems to be full of extroverts and romantics. 

I’m always welcoming to friends online, though. I cherish twitter interaction between each other. I love it when I get the notification that someone has liked my post. You all are my saviors. You make me feel like someday I might be able to hold down a friendship with someone. 

So thank you. I know this started out as a Romantic musing post, but I got sidetracked. 

For my fellow abuse survivors: is there an aspect of your abuse that you find still impacts you in a major way? Or that was happening at such an early stage that impacted your development? 

How about other aroaces? What do you think is the reason you are asexual/aromantic? Are you both or just one?

Have a great day all!

– Cloud

Fear and Kid Parts

This is something new we’ve been dealing with. I say new, but these kids have been around the longest in this system (aside from Adam, Elijah and Kenny). They’ve always been behind a barrier because a) we never saw kids or thought about them before getting diagnosed and b) we didn’t think it was something we had after getting diagnosed. Though we also thought there was only 7 of us, and that turned out to be wrong. 

We try to be respectful to the kiddos. Out therapist says that taking care of the kids(and everyone else really) can be very healing. That and we love them! Why wouldn’t we want to respect them? They get scared pretty easily, and since we feel what they feel usually it’s been hard.

They’ve been more open and around more, so we’ve tried to help ease them into stuff and also give them incentives. 

The fear and general nervousness is also common among other newbies. Sora for example has been fairly fearful. 

We got the idea from somewhere to have a point system for doing things that can seem hard or that bring up fear. Even if the fear is random, they’ll get a point.

Of course any adult system mate can earn points too. 

Who ever gets the most points at the end of the week gets an under $5 reward. If an adult gets the most points per week than there will be a child runner up too. At the beginning of the month who ever had the most points the past month gets an under $10 reward (again if an adult wins then there is a child runner up). 

I feel like this might work has a good incentive to broaden the spectrum of people who front. It also gives the kiddos a reason to hang around us some more and get used to some of the more fearful things. 

If this sounds like a good idea for you all feel free to take it and work it into your own system. 

Do you have any systems in place to help deal with fear?

– Roo 

Relationships 

Things are weird for us when it comes to relating to people. Online is usually fine, because we don’t have to see the other person and if we need to not respond we can. Real life it’s nearly impossible, even when just texting. We always feel so awkward and always have to push the conversations focus onto the other person.

Inside our system it’s a little easier, but as of late we’ve noticed everyone kind of has Kenny has a common point, except when they’re partners. Like a lot of us have never been alone with each other, and since the majority of us are new to the idea of being a system a lot of us haven’t been alone with themselves. 

It’s hard getting to know someone while they’re getting to know themselves and I know the person I’m talking about here and listening/watching and I want him to know that I’m not writing this to mock him. 

Other than romantic partners, we have family members. Mostly brothers/siblings. Cloud, Sora, and I are all brothers. Kenny, Deirdre, and Levi are brothers. Elijah and Riku. Ren and Adam. I think that’s it really. 

Sora is one of the parts who is new to being a system. Everything is new to him, fronting, having free will, etc. He’s been having kind of a hard time finding himself and has had a rocky start since he came around. I won’t get into our system drama, but he’s only now starting to settle into just relaxing and trying to be himself. 

I’ve been trying to help him, because my start in this system was just… awful. So, I feel for him that and I love him! He’s my brother! 

Thinking back to the time before we knew we were a system shows that we’ve never spent any time with just each other. It’s always had someone else or an entire crowd. It’s not easy to feel like you love someone but you know nothing about them. Even with Cloud I feel like we haven’t spent any time with just each other or just the three of us. Either Kenny is with us, or it’s a group all hanging out. A lot of people have this problem, Kenny is like the glue that holds all our relationships together. Kenny is the common factor. 

That’s besides the point right now. Now I want to focus on getting to know Sora and him getting to know himself. I also want this blog to be posted on by more than just me, Ken, Cloud, or Adam. I’m opening it up to be posted on about stuff other than DID and trauma stuff. 

Anyway I just needed to rant I guess.

Have a nice night!

– Roo

Whisps, trauma, and inner world goings on.

I have another post lined up that I wanted to write, but I’m not quite finished with it and I feel this needed to be written up today. 

I can’t remember if we’ve described what a whisp is, and frankly we don’t really know what they are either. Our therapist and I have hypothesized that they are probably parts that are fully stuck in memories or some kind of split from actual parts that are just bad memories. In head world they’re long flowing dragon like things that when black (their original color- I’ll get into that later down the post) they have no face. 

🚨 Odd Pronoun Use Ahead! 🚨

The whisps use ce/cir/cirs/cirself pronouns. 

Ce = he/she/they 
cir = him/her/them
 cirs = his/hers/theirs
 cirself = themself/themselves/himself/herself


We have a rainbow one, who is just called Rainbow. Cir is a whisp with a kind of possum-pig face and small front paws that can go into cirs body. Cirs body is a stream of colors that flows out like a comet trail has ce moves. Kind of like if you held up sheer rainbow silk and let it flow out behind you. 

Cir is the original one to make contact as a ‘color whisp’. Ce came around when Sunny was first found and have stayed present ever since. 

In therapy today we were talking about how we had tried to explore what is out old living space in head world. We’ve been trying to find a way to add more things to do in headworld just so that it isn’t always just sit-talk-sleep. 

At the moment we live in a kind of terrarium of sorts. It’s like a very large warehouse(?) that has a lake, small forest, cabins and a rec center. This is off the main hall that is the downstairs of our ‘house’. Now we,  back when it was ‘just the 9 of us'(hah), lived in the downstairs but it was a different downstairs. Then we moved upstairs which is where we lived when all the ‘newbies’ were coming around. 

The house is settled on a hill surrounded by forests. There’s a path to the right that leads down to a town. The town has a road that leads to the caves which is where we all lived initially. The town was where we all lived during high school and for a little time before and after that. 

We went back down to the town, knowing the whisps were going to be a problem. There were more problems then we expected. The whisps left us alone for the most part, which was good! When we got into town everything was destroyed. The entire town is in ruins, building are crumbling down, nothing was bright or sunny like it used to be. There were monsters roaming around trying to get our attention.

We brought this up with our therapist, because to me especially it felt like a major blow. This town was supposed to be connected to good memories. The fact that everything is in shambles means that this place has been tainted like everything else. 

Our therapist listened to us (Kyu fronting at the time) vent. Kyu is really smart, and thinks of things to help the system all the time. He had the idea of maybe giving the whisps a color other than black that would make them less scary to be around and would give them the sense that they are important and can be a part of every day life in head world. 

So we grabbed the buzzers and our therapist just let us (Rainbow, myself, Kyu, Clarence, and Levi) sit and work ourselves out with the help of bilateral stimulus. 

Every one of the whisps got a color they’re happy with, and then they started to become more defined. Rainbow stayed the same possum-pig nosed creature, but others took a some what different form that would still be easy enough for them to keep. Teal, Lilac, and Powder Pink are kind of eel-like with a betta fish face. Orange, Red+Orange, Black+White, and Yellow are all kind of koi fish like though not as much as others. Cotton Candy, and Maple/Fawn are like Rainbow. Forest Green and The Big Guy (black+white+pink) are obviously koi fish, though Forest green might be more goldfish like. 

When we were finished and I had pushed Kyu out of front we felt so much better! Tired and drained, but I could feel the sunshine in there already. I asked my therapist what we should do about the town, since it was me who came up with the idea to maybe move back there and it was me who got so upset about it being razed. 

She said that it might have to be rebuilt, like by hand. We have builders (Squall, Renau are the main guys but Sora and Marly also help out) and they’re always looking for new things to build (and maybe feeding into my bad ideas too much). They of course said they would. Ren is my hubby so he’d do anything I wanted with in reason (apparently building a town is a reasonable thing to do), Squall is just a helpful guy and also Cloud’s partner and Cloud spoils me too much. 

We had a case yesterday of a child who we found at the door to the house who was… in bad shape (that’s putting it very lightly). He poofed away before anyone could really focus on helping him (aka get over how bad of shape he was in). Today Lolly got fed up and went out to find him with Kuzu by his side. They found the kid but neither of them knew how to help him. 

Squall came to them because most protectors have some sort of “medical training” (not in real life). There was really no easy way to help this kid, and Squall had to rebuild part of his body.  Long story short he managed to rebuild the boys broken parts and now the kid is fairly healthy!

This gave me the idea, as I sat waiting for my mom to come down from a shower to watch TV, maybe we should see what the outside headworld was looking like now. The biggest problems that were keeping us from being able to rebuild it were the lack of sun and the monsters. 

I came out the door, and it’s actually bright and sunny. The monsters have formed themselves into less(?) scary forest animals which is easier to live around. The town is stil destroyed, but Ren and Squall are hopeful that they can rebuild it with some help. 

I may make this a series about inner world stuff and the progress we make. I want it to be slow so that we don’t push ourselves too far too soon. 

My therapist always says that taking care of either other system mates or the headworld in general is a form of healing ourselves with out having to relive the trauma. I agree with her 100% because it’s always worked. Putting effort into making our space better and more happy/healthy/homey/warm/etc always makes us feel better. 

If any of you bring anything out of this, my suggestion to you is that if you have a inner world/head world try and tidy it up a bit. Add some lamps/light, give people beds, cook warm food, have toys for the kiddos. I don’t know how else to explain but but doing stuff in headworld to better your relationship with your parts or bettering the space you go to to escape is healing. I’ve heard/read professionals saying that and it’s true at least for us.

Take care of yourselves! You’re all important. You matter. Your feelings/thoughts/everything are valid. 

Thanks for reading!

Kenny